A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson

A Year by the Sea was recommended to me by the founder/executive director of a wonderfully amazing cafe I frequent.  I'd spoken with her a bit about the transitions in my own life, about my divorce and the changes it was bringing to my life.  She is in a period of transition in her own marriage, not sure yet of what it will look like by the time it's all played out, and Joan Anderson's book has been meaningful to her.  (In fact, when I told her I'd picked it up, she said she was thinking of re-reading it.)

When Anderson's sons move out of the house and her husband gets a job in another state, she surprises herself by deciding not to join him, instead taking up residence in the family cottage on Cape Cod.  She doesn't know what this decision will bring, she simply knows that something must change.  I liked this book and have some tidbits to share.


*grief is the partner of change (p. 18)

*"'How are you doing?' he asks, a benign and yet loaded question.  If I say fine, and he is not fine, there will be hell to pay.  I'm finding that unhappy people despise hearing good news from the contented ones." (p. 40)

*"I suffer less pain alone, it seems, than in the presence of an indifferent partner."  (p. 48)

*"I've no choice now but to fall in love as soon as possible -- not with a man but with my immediate life and eventually myself.  I'm free to make my own decisions and equally free to take the consequences."  (p. 49)

*"To arrive where you are, to get there from where you are not, You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy."  (p. 61, quoted from Eliot's Four Quartets (East Coker))

*"Figuring we get to experience only seventy or eighty Christmases in a lifetime, I am determined to enjoy this one my way, no matter who is or isn't around.  I read somewhere that the Frenchwoman's role is to please others, but to please herself in the process!  This concept is new for me, that my own joy is my responsibility.  Only I can receive it, and, likewise, only I can allow others to take it away . . . I've had my fill of bleak midwinters and now set my sights on joy."  (p.72)

*" [speaking of monks who were trained to treat liturgical objects with respect] . . . I couldn't help but imagine what my world might be like if I looked at the human beings I was closest to as holy and treated them with that same sense of respect."  (p. 74-5)

*"How many people have I clung to or let cling to me long after it ceased to be a healthy thing to do?  Part of the freedom I feel today comes from letting go."  (p. 112)

*"It occurs to me that I will continue to know my children less if they think I want them to be more.  Seeking perfection is a terrible thing when it robs you of the truth.  I wonder if role-playing and being careful are the chief causes of loneliness."  (p. 143)

What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?

So Marc and Angel Hack Life had a blog post recently that asked 365 "thought-provoking questions".  I've picked some of the ones that stood out to me and hope to occasionally use them as writing prompts -- join me if you'd like!

 What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?

Transitioning.   So much change, this last month, let alone this last year.  Fiona started a new schedule for her time with her dad and I.  I had three more job interviews, met more potential housemates, and looked at more available apartments.  On June 8th our divorce was final and on June 12th Fiona and I moved from Highlands Ranch to Lakewood, to live with our friends, Jen, Kellan, and Josie, for a bit.  June 23rd I saw the doctor and celebrated 2 years of not being hit by a car -- I also started weaning off my pain medication.  And yesterday I started a new job! I really like it and it is something I can be good at.  I'll be looking for a second job to supplement . . . . 

I know that I don't have a clue what this next month will bring or be like, but I know that it will be full of more transitioning and also that all will be well.

I'm traveling today

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via Amtrak from Indiana to Colorado.   I've had time with friends and with family and a bit of alone time as well.  Leaving here, much like being here, will be bittersweet.  It's a comfort to know that I have people in Colorado who love me and I am looking forward to reconnecting with them (you know who you are).  I've been telling myself that, until I returned to CO, it was okay to not think much past the end of February.  As I am on the train today, however, I know that my thoughts will be returning to the future, to mull over possibilities and potentialities.  I will be thinking about hard facts and harder emotions.  I will be thinking about paperwork and laundry, about clothes swaps and mediation, about sore muscles and doctor appointments.  About apartments, housemates, car-pooling and health.  About court dates and cross-stitch.  About old friends and new.  About worries and joys.  I am thankful for the goodness.  I am trying hard to keep learning about myself and thinking about the self I want to be.  Here comes 2011.

Quote of the Day

We cannot become the person we long to be by ignoring the persons we have been.

~Richard Hirsch, Mazhor LeYamim Nora'im:  Prayerbook for the Days of Awe

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

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I'm not even sure how to start this blog post.  I'm in a really, really low place in my life.  I feel alone, I feel aching sadness, I feel deep grief, and I feel raging anger.  I feel abandoned and unwanted, I can't imagine how to make this new life work and I'm scared to death of the future.

At the same time, I feel so supported, so cared for, so lucky, and so blessed.  I can't begin to make a complete list of the people and things I'm thankful for.  People who have known me for years, new friends, and a few I've not even met, from very close by, from across the country, and in a few other countries, are the only reason I'm still keeping my head above water.  I know I keep saying that but it just really is the essence of my life right now.  I'm so sad and I'm so scared, but if I try just a little I remember that there are some people out there who love me and think I have some redeeming qualities.

I know I'm gonna need to figure out how to make it and I know there is a lot for me learn.  I know there are going to be some more amazingly hard things thrown at me.  But sometimes I think that maybe some good things will come as well -- it's just harder to imagine what those things are. As I said a few months ago, I'm pretty sure that the tears of the recent past have brought me a few more lines on my face, but I'm trying to have faith that the world has more laugh lines in store for me as well.  I'm thankful for hope.

I'm thankful for running water and the cat who is currently between me and the back of my chair.
I'm thankful for friends who open their hearts & homes to me.
I'm thankful for my daughter who is healthy, kind, and strong.
I'm thankful for phone calls, e-mails, letters, and care packages.
I'm thankful for those who give me the benefit of the doubt.
I'm thankful that life is both so short and so long and I hope I can remember both of those aspects.
I'm just so thankful, so gol-durned thankful for love.

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I'm thankful for people who believe there is goodness out there for me and tell me so -- and for those who believe there is goodness in me and tell me so.
I'm thankful for people who get that I know it could all be so much worse -- and yet get that it still all sort of sucks at this moment in time.
I'm thankful for really cozy blankets and deep bathtubs.
I 'm thankful for hand-me-down jeans that feel good on my body and for crafty projects to work on and for the crafty friends who help me learn new skills.
I'm thankful for pretty peaceful snow falling from the sky.
I'm thankful for sleep and for chapstick.
I'm thankful for lotion and safe neighborhoods.
I'm thankful for bills that are slowly being paid off and customer service people who are kind to me on the phone.
I'm thankful for people who are kind to my daughter and who are walking alongside her in this time of change.
I'm thankful for clean mirrors and fun socks.
I'm thankful for you if you are reading this and feeling compassionate.
I'm thankful for ridiculous songs I can sing along to and I'm thankful for new possibilities, even if I can't envision them right now.
I'm thankful for my grandparents and the presence they were in my life. 
I'm thankful that I'm here today, able to live and love and try and fail and try again and be thankful.

Quote of the Day -- Creativity lives in the unknown

Transition and change bring us into the unknown -- where creativity lives -- and from this unknown, we can create in our lives that which did not exist before.  We can initiate and respond to life-changing events or internal uneasiness with creativity and resourcefulness and create a life of meaning and purpose.  So instead of fighting the currents in our river, instead of longing for the stability of the shore, we can flow with the river, finding our own unique way to make the journey.

~page 6, Becoming a Life Change Artist: Seven Creative Skills to Reinvent Yourself at Any Stage of Life by Fred Mandell, Ph.D. & Kathleen Jordan, Ph.D.