Who makes you feel good about yourself?

So Marc and Angel Hack Life had a blog post recently that asked 365 "thought-provoking questions".  I've picked some of the ones that stood out to me and hope to occasionally use them as writing prompts.  Join me with your own responses if you'd like!

Who makes you feel good about yourself?

 This is a good one for me to ponder right now as I'm finding it incredibly easy to not feel good about myself and to take many things as my fault or due to my own shortcomings.  When I first read this question, I quickly jotted down three names.  I know I have other amazing people in my life who could be included in this list, but for now I'll just talk about these three.
   
Dara -- I met Dara, gosh, was it just last summer?  Surely not, but I know it has to be.  I could list all sorts of ways that I met her and they would all be sort of true -- freecycle, my online attachment parenting discussion group, through a need for a timer during my read-a-thon, with yummy ice cream while house-sitting.  It was an interesting time for us to meet each other and connect -- extremely significant things transpired for each of us soon after our meeting and I'm so grateful for the way Dara has been present to me in the past year in a real walking alongside-ness.   Fiona had a Halloween costume she loved thanks (in many different ways) to Dara.  The morning of my job interview, I used some of the yummy body products Dara gifted me -- and I got the job -- clearly due to Pangea soap.  Fiona and I love our home-made aprons -- Dara surrounds me with an atmosphere of plenty when things feel scarce.  But to focus more on the question -- Dara has asked me good questions as I've been working through so much life change -- and while they are questions she thinks I should have answers to, she doesn't imply that there is only one right answer to any of them.  She's consistently assured me that I'm not crazy and that goes a long way toward feeling good about myself these days. 

Kacy -- Kacy and I have known each other since the early 90s.  I've never been a good dissembler nor is there a significant difference between my public persona and my private self -- and that was even more the case 20 years ago.   Kacy has seen me in all seasons, at all times of day, on two different continents, with my family and hers, doing everything but pole dancing and coal mining (though life isn't over yet and who's to say?).  Kacy never says to me, "Boy, Buffy, I can't believe how perfect you are in every way.  I wish everyone, everywhere, was like you at all times."  She does tell me that I'm a good person, that she wants me to be happy, and, at one point, that I'm one of the most loving people she knows.  She tells me when I'm being realistic and when I'm not.  When she tells me I'm a worthwhile person, I know I can believe her because she is well aware of the ways in which I suck.  So when she says there are ways in which I rock, it's a true comfort.

Gaylen -- Gaylen was my camper for several summers in the late 90s when I was a counselor at a camp in southeastern Montana.   Happily, she and her sister, who was also my camper, live in Denver and I was able to reconnect with them a few months ago (and hope to do so again soon)!   Gaylen told me, during our time together, that she was jealous of Fiona because she'd always wished I was her mom when she was little.   What a lovely compliment and from a lovely woman -- It's been a nice thing for me to remember in the midst of trying to be a good mama for and to Fiona -- that someone once thought I'd be a good mama to them, that there are things I do well in that arena.

I love you, my friends.

Our early Christmas celebration with Wendy, David, Caroloine, and Laura -- December 10th

Caroline and David

Wendy and Laura

Me, Fiona, and Caroline

Fiona and I

Knife Sharpening

Energetic Knife Sharpening

The main activity of the evening

Such friends -- Fiona and Caroline go to school with each other and enjoy spending time together.  We are both enjoying getting to know her and the rest of her family.  We are looking forward to seeing them more when we get back from Indiana.

Wendy and I

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

Image via Wikipedia

I'm not even sure how to start this blog post.  I'm in a really, really low place in my life.  I feel alone, I feel aching sadness, I feel deep grief, and I feel raging anger.  I feel abandoned and unwanted, I can't imagine how to make this new life work and I'm scared to death of the future.

At the same time, I feel so supported, so cared for, so lucky, and so blessed.  I can't begin to make a complete list of the people and things I'm thankful for.  People who have known me for years, new friends, and a few I've not even met, from very close by, from across the country, and in a few other countries, are the only reason I'm still keeping my head above water.  I know I keep saying that but it just really is the essence of my life right now.  I'm so sad and I'm so scared, but if I try just a little I remember that there are some people out there who love me and think I have some redeeming qualities.

I know I'm gonna need to figure out how to make it and I know there is a lot for me learn.  I know there are going to be some more amazingly hard things thrown at me.  But sometimes I think that maybe some good things will come as well -- it's just harder to imagine what those things are. As I said a few months ago, I'm pretty sure that the tears of the recent past have brought me a few more lines on my face, but I'm trying to have faith that the world has more laugh lines in store for me as well.  I'm thankful for hope.

I'm thankful for running water and the cat who is currently between me and the back of my chair.
I'm thankful for friends who open their hearts & homes to me.
I'm thankful for my daughter who is healthy, kind, and strong.
I'm thankful for phone calls, e-mails, letters, and care packages.
I'm thankful for those who give me the benefit of the doubt.
I'm thankful that life is both so short and so long and I hope I can remember both of those aspects.
I'm just so thankful, so gol-durned thankful for love.

Image via Wikipedia

I'm thankful for people who believe there is goodness out there for me and tell me so -- and for those who believe there is goodness in me and tell me so.
I'm thankful for people who get that I know it could all be so much worse -- and yet get that it still all sort of sucks at this moment in time.
I'm thankful for really cozy blankets and deep bathtubs.
I 'm thankful for hand-me-down jeans that feel good on my body and for crafty projects to work on and for the crafty friends who help me learn new skills.
I'm thankful for pretty peaceful snow falling from the sky.
I'm thankful for sleep and for chapstick.
I'm thankful for lotion and safe neighborhoods.
I'm thankful for bills that are slowly being paid off and customer service people who are kind to me on the phone.
I'm thankful for people who are kind to my daughter and who are walking alongside her in this time of change.
I'm thankful for clean mirrors and fun socks.
I'm thankful for you if you are reading this and feeling compassionate.
I'm thankful for ridiculous songs I can sing along to and I'm thankful for new possibilities, even if I can't envision them right now.
I'm thankful for my grandparents and the presence they were in my life. 
I'm thankful that I'm here today, able to live and love and try and fail and try again and be thankful.

Lakeside Amusement Park -- Friday, August 20, 2010

A friend gave me eight tickets for unlimited rides at Lakeside Amusement Park in Denver.  Lakeside has been around since 1908 or some such crazy thing and it was so much fun.  It very much had the feel of a county fair.  Fiona and I were able to go with our four housemates -- Alex, Beth, Mikaela, & Sofia -- as well as our friends Angela and Isaac.  It was so lovely -- an entire evening free of worries and full of laughter. Thanks to Beth and Angela for the pics!

Back:  Isaac, Angela, Mikaela, Beth, me, Alex.  Front: Sofia, Fiona.

I wanted to ride some rides but I wasn't sure how it would affect my injuries.  In the picture above you can see my solution -- a trick I also used in labor -- a nice loose mouth with a low groan -- kept my muscles nice and loose.  :)

Back:  Beth, me, Alex, Mikaela.  Front: Sofia, Fiona, Isaac.

 

Love the light in this one.