Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take IV

"It is not the divorce itself that destroys the kids but rather how the parents divorce, and how they rebuild the two new family units." p.113

"The more positive, loving time a child spends with all family members, the stronger the child's self-esteem.  The best-adjusted children of divorce have lots of time with both parents and extended family and friends -- time when they don't have to curtail their actions or monitor what comes out of their mouths; when they can move freely from family to family; when their moments together aren't timed or inventoried." p. 116-7

"It is imperative that we remind children again and again that a divorce is an adult problem.  There is nothing a child or teen could every say or do that would cause his parents to divorce." p.119

". . . the child is some of each parent.  His self-esteem is rooted in his family tree.  When you negate the value of a parent or grandparent, you tear at the fabric of the child's being.  That's why children will defend and protect their parents, often to an extreme.  They are protecting themselves as well." p.121

"For adults who divorce, the event is a conclusion.  For the children, divorce is often a beginning -- of unfinished business, of uncertainty. . . Adults like to think that kids go through a period of sadness immediately following a divorce and then simply bounce back to the way they were predivorce . . . But just because a child appears "fine" on the outside doesn't mean that all is well on the inside.  If children have not grieved the change in their families and have not been given the attention they need to fully comprehend why their parents divorced, their grief and emotional issues end up being buried very much alive and someday will need to be dealt with." p. 122

Marta quotes a 15 year-old boy whose parents divorced when he was 10 -- "Divorce is a painful solution to an otherwise unsolvable problem" (p. 123).  Makes perfect sense to me.

 

Related articles

• Holidays After Divorce (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take III

"So what does a couple do when their marriage is in disrepair?  Should they stay together for the sake of the children?  Many  . . . believe the answer is yes, since divorce can be detrimental to the children in the family.  Certainly . . . any couple that is contemplating divorce should put forth every possible effort to save the marriage.  Having said that, however, I must also state that I firmly believe that it is far better for a child to come from a divorced family than to live in one.  To grow up in a home where there is abuse or constant arguing or where there is no love is far worse for the child." (p. 102)

There is an excellent list, How to Prepare Children and Adolescents for a Separation or Divorce, on pages 106-7.

"Telling the stories of our lives and love relationships to our children can help them realize that we all stumble and try again; our hearts get broken and we try again another time; we make wise choices and reap the benefits; we make wrong decisions and suffer the consequences.  Through it all, though, we learn and become better people.

When children, and especially teens, make disparaging remarks about marriage, turn the conversation into a positive discussion . . . Explain that marriage means much more than simply falling in love, that it is an ongoing commitment between two separate individuals who have joined their family histories, their values, and their spiritual beliefs.  Tell them that this is the reason why it's so important for them to know themselves and their personal goals well before they choose a spouse.  This is also a good time to remind kids that although 50 percent of marriages fail, the other 50 percent function very well." p.108

I appreciate the above paragraphs so much.  I don't want Fiona to think that I don't value commitments I've made. I don't want her to feel pessimistic about marriage or about relationships in general.  These words give me hope and direction.

"Before a divorce, parents usually argue behind closed doors.  Once the divorce is final, arguments are out in the open and usually about kid topics like child support and visitation.  So why wouldn't the kids feel guilty and think the divorce was really about them?" p. 111