Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take IV

"It is not the divorce itself that destroys the kids but rather how the parents divorce, and how they rebuild the two new family units." p.113

"The more positive, loving time a child spends with all family members, the stronger the child's self-esteem.  The best-adjusted children of divorce have lots of time with both parents and extended family and friends -- time when they don't have to curtail their actions or monitor what comes out of their mouths; when they can move freely from family to family; when their moments together aren't timed or inventoried." p. 116-7

"It is imperative that we remind children again and again that a divorce is an adult problem.  There is nothing a child or teen could every say or do that would cause his parents to divorce." p.119

". . . the child is some of each parent.  His self-esteem is rooted in his family tree.  When you negate the value of a parent or grandparent, you tear at the fabric of the child's being.  That's why children will defend and protect their parents, often to an extreme.  They are protecting themselves as well." p.121

"For adults who divorce, the event is a conclusion.  For the children, divorce is often a beginning -- of unfinished business, of uncertainty. . . Adults like to think that kids go through a period of sadness immediately following a divorce and then simply bounce back to the way they were predivorce . . . But just because a child appears "fine" on the outside doesn't mean that all is well on the inside.  If children have not grieved the change in their families and have not been given the attention they need to fully comprehend why their parents divorced, their grief and emotional issues end up being buried very much alive and someday will need to be dealt with." p. 122

Marta quotes a 15 year-old boy whose parents divorced when he was 10 -- "Divorce is a painful solution to an otherwise unsolvable problem" (p. 123).  Makes perfect sense to me.

 

Related articles

• Holidays After Divorce (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)

Friday 56 & Book Beginnings -- November 26, 2010

Welcome to The Friday 56, now hosted by Freda’s Voice.
Here’s how it works:
Rules:
*Grab a book, any book.
*Turn to page 56.
*Find any sentence that grabs you.
*Post it
*Link it here...


The word falafel is used to refer to two distinct entities:  a round fritter of mashed chickpeas or other pulses (in Egypt they use butter beans), and the Arab bread sandwich (the round, flat kind that opens like a pocket) filled with those fritters and miscellaneous garnishes.
~from Slow Food:  Collected Thoughts on Taste, Tradition, and the Honest Pleasures of Food edited by Carlo Petrini with Ben Watson 

This book was okay.  Some interesting essays, but poorly edited and already feeling a bit dated (published in 2001).

How to participate: All you have to do is share the first line (or two) of the book you are currently reading on your blog or in the comments. Include the title and the author so we know what you're reading (and can go pick up a copy if it sounds good!). Then, if you feel so moved, let us know what your first impressions were based on that first line and whether or not you liked the sentence(s).

It was on Sunday, the 24th of May, 1863, that my uncle, Professor Lidenbrock, came rushing suddenly back to his little house in the old part of Hamburg, No. 19, Konigstrasse.
~Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne

Just started reading this one with my six-year-old on Wednesday.  Looking forward to getting back into it tonight. The beginning sentence certainly makes one want to know what the rushing is all about!

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take III

"So what does a couple do when their marriage is in disrepair?  Should they stay together for the sake of the children?  Many  . . . believe the answer is yes, since divorce can be detrimental to the children in the family.  Certainly . . . any couple that is contemplating divorce should put forth every possible effort to save the marriage.  Having said that, however, I must also state that I firmly believe that it is far better for a child to come from a divorced family than to live in one.  To grow up in a home where there is abuse or constant arguing or where there is no love is far worse for the child." (p. 102)

There is an excellent list, How to Prepare Children and Adolescents for a Separation or Divorce, on pages 106-7.

"Telling the stories of our lives and love relationships to our children can help them realize that we all stumble and try again; our hearts get broken and we try again another time; we make wise choices and reap the benefits; we make wrong decisions and suffer the consequences.  Through it all, though, we learn and become better people.

When children, and especially teens, make disparaging remarks about marriage, turn the conversation into a positive discussion . . . Explain that marriage means much more than simply falling in love, that it is an ongoing commitment between two separate individuals who have joined their family histories, their values, and their spiritual beliefs.  Tell them that this is the reason why it's so important for them to know themselves and their personal goals well before they choose a spouse.  This is also a good time to remind kids that although 50 percent of marriages fail, the other 50 percent function very well." p.108

I appreciate the above paragraphs so much.  I don't want Fiona to think that I don't value commitments I've made. I don't want her to feel pessimistic about marriage or about relationships in general.  These words give me hope and direction.

"Before a divorce, parents usually argue behind closed doors.  Once the divorce is final, arguments are out in the open and usually about kid topics like child support and visitation.  So why wouldn't the kids feel guilty and think the divorce was really about them?" p. 111

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

Image via Wikipedia

I'm not even sure how to start this blog post.  I'm in a really, really low place in my life.  I feel alone, I feel aching sadness, I feel deep grief, and I feel raging anger.  I feel abandoned and unwanted, I can't imagine how to make this new life work and I'm scared to death of the future.

At the same time, I feel so supported, so cared for, so lucky, and so blessed.  I can't begin to make a complete list of the people and things I'm thankful for.  People who have known me for years, new friends, and a few I've not even met, from very close by, from across the country, and in a few other countries, are the only reason I'm still keeping my head above water.  I know I keep saying that but it just really is the essence of my life right now.  I'm so sad and I'm so scared, but if I try just a little I remember that there are some people out there who love me and think I have some redeeming qualities.

I know I'm gonna need to figure out how to make it and I know there is a lot for me learn.  I know there are going to be some more amazingly hard things thrown at me.  But sometimes I think that maybe some good things will come as well -- it's just harder to imagine what those things are. As I said a few months ago, I'm pretty sure that the tears of the recent past have brought me a few more lines on my face, but I'm trying to have faith that the world has more laugh lines in store for me as well.  I'm thankful for hope.

I'm thankful for running water and the cat who is currently between me and the back of my chair.
I'm thankful for friends who open their hearts & homes to me.
I'm thankful for my daughter who is healthy, kind, and strong.
I'm thankful for phone calls, e-mails, letters, and care packages.
I'm thankful for those who give me the benefit of the doubt.
I'm thankful that life is both so short and so long and I hope I can remember both of those aspects.
I'm just so thankful, so gol-durned thankful for love.

Image via Wikipedia

I'm thankful for people who believe there is goodness out there for me and tell me so -- and for those who believe there is goodness in me and tell me so.
I'm thankful for people who get that I know it could all be so much worse -- and yet get that it still all sort of sucks at this moment in time.
I'm thankful for really cozy blankets and deep bathtubs.
I 'm thankful for hand-me-down jeans that feel good on my body and for crafty projects to work on and for the crafty friends who help me learn new skills.
I'm thankful for pretty peaceful snow falling from the sky.
I'm thankful for sleep and for chapstick.
I'm thankful for lotion and safe neighborhoods.
I'm thankful for bills that are slowly being paid off and customer service people who are kind to me on the phone.
I'm thankful for people who are kind to my daughter and who are walking alongside her in this time of change.
I'm thankful for clean mirrors and fun socks.
I'm thankful for you if you are reading this and feeling compassionate.
I'm thankful for ridiculous songs I can sing along to and I'm thankful for new possibilities, even if I can't envision them right now.
I'm thankful for my grandparents and the presence they were in my life. 
I'm thankful that I'm here today, able to live and love and try and fail and try again and be thankful.

Crank by Ellen Hopkins

Crank is the first in a series by Ellen Hopkins, loosely based on her daughter's own addiction to meth.  I picked this book up, not only because it has been so popular, but because my younger brother is in prison on meth-related charges.  I wanted to share two of the poems I thought perhaps my brother could identify with.

Just Before the Drop
(p.88-9)

You know how you
stand and stand and stand
in line for the most gigantic incredible roller
                                                                                                                   coaster
you've ever dared attempt.

Anticipation swelling,
minute by minute by minute,
you choose to wait even
longer, to ride in the front

                                                           car
and finally it's your turn.

They buckle you in, lock the
safety bar with a jolting clunk!
Hook engaged, the chain jerks
you forward.  You start to
                                                           climb
crank-crank-crank.

Cresting over the top, time
moves into overtime
as you wait for that scant
hesitation, just before you
                                                        drop
knowing you can't turn back.

You know how you feel
at that instant?  Well, that's
exactly how it feels when you
shake hands with the
                                                         monster.

Problem Number Four:  Feeling Good

(p. 414-5)

The biggest problem of all.

You know how riding real fast 

in a car

or a spectacular takeoff

in a jet

gives you an awesome rush of adrenaline?

You know how spotting an eagle

cruising low over

the treetops, 

or watching a baby finally master

the try-try-again

of walking makes you glow all over?

You know how singing a beautiful song

with dead-on pitch,

or getting every test answer right,

including the extra credit

brainteaser,

makes you feel like you could take on the world?

You know how waking up to perfect skies,

enough sunshine to warm you, not 

enough to bake you,

or watching a silent fall of quarter-sized

snowflakes

gives you delicious shivers of pleasure?

Somewhere on my stroll

with the monster,

I'd lost these things.

Related articles

• Authors' boycott cancels Teen Lit festival after Ellen Hopkins 'disinvited' (guardian.co.uk)

Teaser Tuesdays -- November 23, 2010 -- Marriage is the first step toward divorce

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR lists if they like your teasers! 

 "Love is the foundation upon which marriages are formed and families are created.  Strange as it is, marriage is also the first step toward divorce." 
~p. 103, Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope by Suzy Yehl Marta

I will survive

A friend sent me this video earlier this month.  I know it's super cliche, but I think it's also kind of fun.

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take II

More good stuff from this book by Suzy Yehl Marta. 

From the "Children and Death" chapter: 

"While is is one thing to explain your family's beliefs about the hereafter, it is probably also wise to remember that no living adult knows exactly what heaven is like.  If we describe this wonderful, peaceful, magical place, the child may want to go there NOW and be with his or her loved one.  
The easiest and best approach is to ask the children what they think heaven is like.  They may share your beliefs or have some of their own.  They may even believe that there is no heaven.  Our role is not to impose our beliefs on them but to support and honor theirs, remembering that as children mature, their concepts of heaven will most likely change. " (p. 82)

"We can help . . . young children . . . understand death by talking about what it does to the body.

• The lungs don't breathe.
• The heart does not pump blood.  
• The hair stops growing.
• The body will never be hungry again.
• The person who dies will no longer walk, dance, talk, feel, or think." (p.84-85)

Marta recommends setting aside time after a funeral to be alone with the children who were there -- listen, answer questions, let the children talk.   "A few weeks later, do it again.  Remember, children cannot take in and process events of this magnitude in one sitting.  They are bound to be confused; most helpful for them are conversations linked together over time. By demonstrating that you are always available to answer any questions . . . or simply to listen to their thoughts, worries, and fears, you will be a reassuring source of strength to them at one of the most tumultuous periods of their lives." (p.99)

Marta also talks about the unrealistic view of death that children see on television -- and I think being aware of that can give one a good starting point for what children need to know.