Today

Today would have been my tenth wedding anniversary.  Instead, our divorce was final last month.  I don't know that I have more to say about it right now, but I wanted to at least mark it here. 

What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?

So Marc and Angel Hack Life had a blog post recently that asked 365 "thought-provoking questions".  I've picked some of the ones that stood out to me and hope to occasionally use them as writing prompts -- join me if you'd like!

 What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?

Transitioning.   So much change, this last month, let alone this last year.  Fiona started a new schedule for her time with her dad and I.  I had three more job interviews, met more potential housemates, and looked at more available apartments.  On June 8th our divorce was final and on June 12th Fiona and I moved from Highlands Ranch to Lakewood, to live with our friends, Jen, Kellan, and Josie, for a bit.  June 23rd I saw the doctor and celebrated 2 years of not being hit by a car -- I also started weaning off my pain medication.  And yesterday I started a new job! I really like it and it is something I can be good at.  I'll be looking for a second job to supplement . . . . 

I know that I don't have a clue what this next month will bring or be like, but I know that it will be full of more transitioning and also that all will be well.

Our time at the courthouse

July 16, 2001

Wednesday, June 8th 2011 1:00 p.m. -- my husband and I had our final orders at the courthouse.  We separated on August 3rd, 2010 and filed for divorce on March 4th, 2011.

We waited outside the courtroom until a woman came to tell us we could go in.  She told us that the petitioner (which in this case was me) sits next to the jury.  After she walked away I said to Jeremy, "There's not really a jury, is there?  She's just giving that as a geographic location, right?  I didn't think there was going to be a jury . . . "  :)  And yes, she was giving it as a location --- the jury box, not the jury as a group of people.

When we entered the courtroom, I was surprised at how much it felt like a scene in Perry Mason (I found myself looking for Paul Drake and Della Street.).  Jeremy and I each had our own giant wooden table.  The only other people in the room were a couple of women -- I believe that perhaps one was a paralegal and one was a ... gosh, stenographer doesn't seem right at all ... clearly my mind is still in the Perry Mason era. 

When Judge John W. Madden IV entered, we were told to "All Rise" and after he was seated he asked us to both swear under oath that everything we said in the courtroom that day would be the truth.  Then he reviewed some of the divorce paperwork with us, mostly, it seemed, to be sure we both understood what we'd agreed to -- he focused on the parenting plan and the separation agreement.

Jeremy and I want to work at joint decision-making when it comes to our daughter, and Judge Madden said that he feels that is the best thing for the child whenever the parents can make that happen.  We told him that our parenting time schedule has changed frequently since we separated due to both Fiona's and Jeremy's school schedules.  He said as long as we can continue to be flexible with each other that is a good thing but that he recommends that we put down on paper any schedule that we expect to last for more than a few days and sign it, in order to make things as clear cut as possible.  This is something we should probably do soon, get our summer schedule down on paper (and be thinking about what the fall schedule will look like) as well as check in with Fiona about how she feels with regard to the new schedule (which gives her shorter but more frequent time with each of us).

Toward the end came something I wasn't expecting.  The judge asked us two questions, each in turn, like wedding vows -- "Do you feel that this marriage is irretrievably broken?" and "Do you feel there is any reasonable chance that you will reconcile?"  While I'd already answered these questions (yes and no, respectively) on paper, it was heart-rending to answer them aloud, in the presence of other people.  Just so very sad, that those answers are true and that we never wanted them to be true.  If I'd been even slightly shakier emotionally, I would probably have cried right there in the courtroom.

As the judge began to wrap things up, I asked him if he'd seen the paperwork for Fiona's name change.  He hadn't, so he found them and took a look.  He clarified the spelling (and  lack of a hyphen, and he asked Jeremy if he was okay with the name change (he is).  At which point he said with a grin, "I am 90% certain that this is within my jurisdiction," which I thought was very funny and lightened the mood.  He glanced at one of the women and. when she nodded, he said, "I am being told that that is within my jurisdiction."  :)  I was appreciative of Judge Madden throughout our time with him and felt he made it all go as smoothly as possible.

We left the courthouse with the divorce, Fiona's name change, and my name change all  finalized. 

And so I keep walking forward on this journey.  I still have moments where I'm overcome with grief or anxiety.  I continue to believe that life is short and life is long and when I hold those two ideas in tension it gives me hope that life will come together, that I can make the choice for joy and love and contentment, and that Jeremy and I will find a new way of life where we can be kind to each other and care well for Fiona. 

What are you uncertain about?

Image via Wikipedia

So Marc and Angel Hack Life had a blog post recently that asked 365 "thought-provoking questions".  I've picked some of the ones that stood out to me and hope to occasionally use them as writing prompts.

 What are you uncertain about?

Boy, at this exact point in my life, it feels like there are lots of things that I'm uncertain about.  I really have no idea what my life will look like in another 5 months, let alone 5 years.  I'm looking for both work and housing right now and I don't really have even the beginning of an idea of what either might look like.  On June 8th our divorce (and Fiona's name change) will most likely be final and hopefully at some point the settlement from my car/pedestrian accident will be finished as well -- though every so often I'm given a reminder that the physical ramifications will always be a part of my life.  This much uncertainty makes the ground beneath my feet feel pretty wobbly but the people around me do much to keep me on steady ground.

On a less practical/more philosophical note (though with no illusions that I have anything even slightly new or original to say on the subject), I realize more with each passing day that I'm not really sure what I think about life after death.  And as silly as this sounds, I think it was much more Battlestar Galactica than being hit by a car that made me start thinking much more about my own mortality and that of humankind in general. 

Lots of crazy tomorrow

Tomorrow Jeremy and I have our final divorce mediation session in the morning and in the late afternoon I have a job interview.  I'm hoping to be able to see some apartments as well at some point, but I'm not sure yet how it is all going to play out.  When I get home in the evening, my housemates should be back from their week and a half vacation -- sadly, they didn't get to see the space shuttle launch, but it sounds like they had a good time anyway. 

My brain is full of lots of thoughts and ideas and fears and possibilities.  For now, I'm off to read with Fiona and try to sleep.

A Friday morning in Colorado

Today is a full day.  When I finish this post, I will take a shower, find breakfast, and brush my teeth.  Then my husband will come and pick me up and we will head to our third divorce mediation settlement. 

I want it to go well.  I want both of us to leave the session feeling like we've covered lots of ground,  made progress, have a plan.  It's so hard to figure out what is important, where to put one's focus, how to think about the future. 

I remind myself that the rest of my life won't be this way -- and try to remember that, indeed, I am in charge of what the rest of my life looks like. 

I want to have a good relationship with Jeremy, want Fiona to be able to see us interacting cordially and pleasantly.  I keep running up against the fact that:  a)it's not super clear what steps/actions/behaviors/words to choose now to help that to be a possibility in 2 years and b) I can't control whether that happens or not, regardless of what steps/actions/behaviors/words I am choosing in this moment.

Blue by Lou Aronica -- Review and Contest!

From the back cover:

Chris Astor is a man in his early forties who is going through the toughest stretch of his life.


Becky is Chris's fourteen-year-old daughter, a girl who overcame enormous challenges to become a vibrant, vital young woman -- and now faces her greatest obstacle yet.


Miea is the young queen of a fantasy land that Becky and Chris created when Becky was little, a fantasy land that has developed a life of its own and now finds itself in terrible, maybe fatal, trouble.


Together, Chris, Becky, and Miea need to uncover a secret.  The secret to why their worlds have joined at this moment.  The secret to their purpose.  The secret to the future.   It is a secret that, when discovered, will redefine imagination for all of them.

Tamarisk is the imaginary world that Chris and Becky began imagining during a difficult time in her life.  When Chris and Polly (Becky's mother) divorced, Tamarisk was abandoned.  Becky begins to feel drawn back to Tamarisk and as she and Chris learn more about the blight affecting the crops there, they also, with Miea's help, begin to suspect that there is a way to save both Becky and Tamarisk at the same time.  So much to say about the way Aronica develops this story, but I don't want to give too much away!

Blue is making the rounds of other book blogs right now and I am interested to see what others have to say.  I wasn't sure what to make about one part of the storyline -- it might take a re-read for me to see more of the connections between Chris and Becky's world, Miea's world, and the observer (and perhaps orchestrator?) we read about in a few sparse sections of the book. 

A few random thoughts:

When Becky and her dad were instant-messaging I felt like Aronica did an excellent job of showing the subtle differences between the way a fourteen-year-old uses IM and the way her father uses the same technology -- it added to the believability/authenticity of the conversation.

I read Blue about four months after separating from my husband and so that part of the book felt especially poignant.  The reader learns a lot about Becky's feelings regarding her parents' divorce and also hears quite a bit from Chris's point of view. We don't hear as much from Polly, Becky's mother, and I think that it was good for me to have a chance to think more about the father's viewpoint.

Chris is thinking about Becky growing up -- such a bittersweet description:

When your child is born, each of her accomplishments seem to supersede the one before, and each makes you feel increasingly connected to her.  Simple biological need gives way to interaction, which gives way to meaningful conversation, and so on.  The relationship deepens with each stage.  At some point, though, you reach the top of the curve.  Your child continues to grow, to become a fuller and more substantial human being, but your association with these events become more distant.  She has meaningful conversations with her friends instead of you.  She learns critical life lessons away from the house.  She interacts more fully with the world and considerably less with you.  She looks to her future and sees a place where you are something just slightly more elevated than a number on her speed dial. Of course, if you are divorced from her mother . . . you descend the downside of the curve even faster.  (page 179)

All in all, a unique fantasy plot that includes so much real life as well.

CONTEST!!!

How often do you hear about something that sounds too good to be true? Well, I am here to offer 10 lucky winners the opportunity of a lifetime.

New York Times bestselling co-author, novelist, and former Publisher of Avon Books and Berkley Books, Lou Aronica has created a unique and exciting offer to anyone that is going to follow his upcoming book tour with Pump Up Your Book. His extensive experience in the publishing and editing fields has given him insight into an industry that continues to grow and change daily. Once again, that insight has led him to offer a contest that is truly special in so many ways. Lou will be accepting story pitches from followers of his blog tour. These story pitches must be for short stories pertaining to the fantasy world of his novel, “Blue.” This contest will allow 10 lucky people the opportunity of a lifetime, the chance to have their story published in an upcoming companion anthology to “Blue.” Lou will hand pick the winners, edit their stories, include them in the anthology and give them a pro-rated share of the royalties. How can you pass up an opportunity like this?

Now for the details:

The pitch should include a synopsis of the proposed story and a sample of the submitting author’s fiction writing. Specify the expected length of the story.

The pitch needs to be submitted by April 16, 2011
 
Please email your submission to Lou at laronica@fictionstudio.com

All winners will be notified by email by May 27, 2011.

Almost Sunday in Colorado

I want to focus on the positive and I want to smile more frequently.

I think, because my car accident settlement and our divorce paperwork are both unfinished, in some ways I am living in the negative out of necessity -- I need to itemize how being hit by a car has affected my life so that the jury has the full picture and we need to be thinking about lots of worst-case scenario what-ifs with regard to the divorce and the future so that we can cover those bases now and make the best possible future for the two of us and for our daughter.

But I am getting closer to leaving both situations, closer to figuring out next steps, closer to getting out of crisis mode.  In the meantime I can still be aware of the goodness of life and choose to keep smiling, hoping, living and laughing. I need to be with positive, forward-looking, kind people.  I need to be a positive, forward-looking, kind person.  After all, as my lawyer said of me in his letter to the insurance company,

Based on her life expectancy as set forth in the Colorado Statutes she will likely live another 44 years.

I'm willing to consider that the good news of the day.  :)

Tomorrow I will be able to spend some time with my daughter, her good friend, and her friend's lovely family.  I will be glad, grateful, and content.  I will be okay.  And so will you.

A Thursday evening in Colorado

Was all sleepy, turned out the light, and couldn't sleep.  I'll spew here for a bit and see if it helps.

I'm still doing some major grieving that my marriage of nearly 10 years is coming to an end.  There is so much to mourn and so much that will be missed.  One of my hopes is that we will return to friendship and ease with each other, and sooner rather than later. However, it isn't always clear what actions/thoughts/behaviors/words taken/thought/done/said now will help that come to pass.  At first glance, it seems like the best thing for us to do would be to say, "Oh, we'll just be flexible, figure it all out as it comes, it'll be fine" and both just try to be as giving and easy-going as possible.  Upon further reflection, though, it seems like it would actually better serve us both to be as specific as possible, to think hard about how we are filling out the mountain of paperwork, and to get things down on paper now -- because then, in two years, we won't still be fighting because there will be nothing left to fight about.  (Okay, that's obviously an exaggeration, but it seems, at least, that there would be a lot less left to keep hashing out.)

Hard stuff, folks.  If I'm learning nothing else from this (and I am) it's sinking in deeper that I really have no clue about other people's lives and decisions -- and that I can't even predict my own thoughts, feelings, and reactions two months into the future.  I just continue to try to do things/say things/make decisions in a way that I will feel good about in five years.  Easier said than done, but a good starting point.

Hey all

Today marks a year and a half since I got hit by a car.  I'm here in Indiana, my home state, visiting family and friends -- the first time I've traveled since before the accident as well as since separating from my husband.  It's been a tumultuous visit with lots of firsts and lots of sadness, as well as a bit of peace at times and acceptance from others at other times.

I have spent the past week soaking up time with dear friends.  I was able to visit what I consider my "home church" on Sunday and it was a solace.  I feel no desire to go to church in Colorado, but I think if I lived here again, I would be at Assembly every Sunday.

Tomorrow I will see my daughter for the first time in nearly two weeks.  Before that happens, however, I will be visiting my little brother in prison.  My mother and step-father are picking me up bright and early in the morning for that visit.  I haven't seen him for several years and have had only very brief phone conversations.  For a while we weren't sure that I would get visitor clearance in time and I'm so glad I'm able to go -- my mom worked really hard to make it happen and the people at the prison bent a lot of rules, I think, to get me in during my visit.

After our visit to my brother, we will pick up my daughter and go to my aunt and uncle's house to spend time with them.  I'm looking forward to having some relaxed time there and to seeing my cousins as well.  We will be there for several days.

This is some crazy hard stuff, some crazy hard times.  But again I am surrounded by goodness.

I've been working on a cross-stich pattern for my daughter -- beautifully colored butterflies on navy fabric.  I'll try to post a picture at some point, hopefully an "in-progress" shot.  I'm looking forward to giving her the presents I've collected for her here and there, as well as some fun presents from our friend Dara and two new books from our friend Becca.  I'm looking forward to spending time with my mom.  I'm hoping I can get presents wrapped before Christmas morning but I know that right now I need to be getting ready for bed so I can make it through a very full day tomorrow.

Blessings to you all on this cold and dark December night.

Teaser Tuesdays -- December 21, 2010 --Blue by Lou Aronica

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR lists if they like your teasers! 

"'Do you have any idea why this is happening now?' 


The princess lowered her eyes, and when she looked up again, she had a slightly sheepish expression on her face."  ~ p. 91, Blue by Lou Aronica

This book goes on sale January 4th!  It's pretty intense reading for me right now, as it involves a daughter's reactions to/feelings about her parents' divorce -- though that's only a part of the full story.  I feel like the plot is still being set up for me and I'm interested to see how it keeps developing.

Friday 56 and Book Beginnings -- December 17, 2010

Welcome to The Friday 56, now hosted by Freda’s Voice.
Here’s how it works:
Rules:
*Grab a book, any book.
*Turn to page 56.
*Find any sentence that grabs you.
*Post it
*Link it here...

The healing power of touch cannot be overestimated.
~How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., Melba Colgrave, Ph.D., & Peter McWilliams

My pastor gave me this book -- my husband and I are in the process of divorcing. 










How to participate: All you have to do is share the first line (or two) of the book you are currently reading on your blog or in the comments. Include the title and the author so we know what you're reading (and can go pick up a copy if it sounds good!). Then, if you feel so moved, let us know what your first impressions were based on that first line and whether or not you liked the sentence(s).

"Some acts of a powerful nation affect people somewhere in the world very directly, like starting a war.  Sometimes a lack of action has  a deplorable effect, such as not stopping genocide."  ~ 100 Ways America Is Screwing up the World by John Tirman

A very interesting and informative book that takes itself less seriously than one might think. 

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take VIII

Cover of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope

I've finished reading Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope:  How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death, and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach by Suzy Yehl Marta. It's an excellent book.  There are very little things I would criticize (like the idea that if a child's hair is unkempt, clearly there are issues at home) but I really think that this book is useful for anyone who spends time with children, anyone who wants to be what Marta calls a compassionate companion.  I encourage you to pick it up, as different parts will stand out for each reader.


The rest of my notes/thoughts on the book:


Chapter 9, Activities & Rituals for Healing is just full of activities that can be done individually or with groups of children.  Chapter 10, Troubleshooting, addresses various problematic behaviors, where they might come from, and ways to address the behavior and talk with the child.

Chapter 11 -- Still a Family

". . . while you have severed your marriage bond with your spouse, the bond between child and parent . . . needs to remain strong and unquestioned . . . it is crucial that he's able to interact freely in both your family and your former spouse's.  To exclude members of the child's "other" family is to exclude a part of the child's very identity and can only end up hurting the child." (292)


"A complete divorce involves three elements:  legal, physical, and emotional.  Until all three are accomplished, you are not fully divorced . . . the emotional part of divorce can take years to achieve and can only be accomplished by you.  Yet divorcing yourself emotionally from your spouse and rebuilding a separate, positive, nurturing life is the most essential of these tasks -- and the most crucial one for allowing your children to heal and rebuild their own lives." (296)

"As parents, we owe it to our kids to recognize the destructive nature of our hostility and bitterness.  Despite what happened in the past, each child is entitled to two parents who are mature, responsible, and concerned enough to shelve their anger and work toward creating an environment where their children can interact comfortably with all members of their family." (299)


Marta talks about maintaining daily contact with your child whether she is with you or not.  This is something that Jeremy and I haven't really been doing and I think it is a good idea.  Just a phone call to check in and let her know we think about her even when she is not with us.   She also raises the issue of how to refer to a child's two houses - "your dad's/mom's house" takes from the child any ownership or sense of belonging.  She suggests using "your home with your mom" or "your home with your dad".  While this seems like such a small thing, it  makes sense to me and I hope to share this idea with others who are involved in Fiona's life.


Some tips for helping your child transition between houses:
*Send the children off to have a good time; be cheerful and encouraging.
*Before the children leave, remind them to love their other parent and enjoy their time with him or her.
*Never discuss issues or problems in front of the children, even though it may seem convenient to bring up conflicts while the kids are being picked up or dropped off.
*Establish goodbye and welcome-home traditions to ease the transitions.  (306-7)


Chapter 12 -- Caring Communities:  Shaping a Brighter Future


"Hope is what lights the path to reconciling loss.  It is a voice that continually says:  I will get better. Life will be better.  The pain will eventually go away. We need to offer hope as the incentive for navigating all of the difficult phases of mourning.  Hope makes grieving possible. . . By acting as compassionate companions, we give bereaved youth the only reassurance they have that their fundamental needs will be met." (311)


Epilogue: (Marta is talking about her own blended family, now that her children are adults.)


"Collectively, we try to look though the lens of what is best for the children and grandchildren.  Admittedly, sometimes the eyepiece gets clouded with hurt feelings or crummy attitudes, but we just keep polishing the glass to keep it clear and focused on the children." (329-30)

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take VI

Cover of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope:  How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death, and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach by Suzy Yehl Marta

Chapter Seven:  Four Stepping Stones to Healing (178-88)

• Comprehending -- "The easiest way to help a child comprehend what has happened is to ask him to share his story -- what happened to him and how it has changed his life.  Not once.  Not twice.  But many times." (179)  

Marta says children need to be able to tell their story at least 30 times -- whether the story is told 30 times to one person or once to 30 people.  She brings up a great point when she reminds us that, as children grow and mature, their view of their own story will also change and that each new stage may bring a need to retell their story with new understanding.  Another suggestion for children as they struggle to come to terms with what is happening -- ask them to tell you in their own words what they believe has happened/is happening.

• Mourning -- "Our role as compassionate companions is to encourage grieving children to verbalize their feelings of loss.  Once these feelings are outside -- in the light -- the kids will be less afraid.  Once the conflicting emotions are outside of their hearts, they will have power over the loss event.  Then they can begin the work of healing their hurt and moving on." (181-2)

• Commemorating -- "Most children need to be assured that it's okay for them to cherish their memories . . . If they are told not to mention happy memories or good times that occurred before the loss, they are being asked to deny who they are and their personal history. . . The truth is that commemorating teaches children that life has value.  Remembering teaches that love is important, despite the emotional pain that may accompany it.  After a life-altering event . . . children need to establish ways to remember the absent person and the family as it existed before the loss event." (184)
 

Marta lists ways you can help children.  With divorce:  

"The family's roots need to be honored for the sake of the children. This can be done by:

*Keeping all family photo albums and wedding pictures

*Saving keepsakes and heirlooms for the children

*Passing on family jewelry such as the engagement or wedding rings

*Sharing why you fell in love with your child's parent

*Talking about your former spouse's good qualities and traits

*Reminiscing about the happier times" (185)

• Moving Forward

          "After a divorce, a child m ay refuse to accept the reality of her new life.  She clings to the past as a way of preserving the nuclear family she had once been part of.  You can assure the child that her parents will always love her.  Help her recognize that she can have strong, loving, separate, individual, relationships with each of her parents . . . reassure the child with comments such as, 'This is not about you.  It's about your parent's own capabilities.  You are not responsible for your mother's (father's) actions.'" (187-8)



 

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take V

From Chapter 6, Becoming a Compassionate Companion:

"Often, children try to ignore or deny the pain of loss, rather than admit to and deal with it.  They usually do so for one or more of these three reasons.

• They are determined to be strong.  Therefore they 'stuff' their pain and feelings inside, put on a stoic face, and stalwartly go on with life, much to the relief of family and friends.
• They are simply too afraid of these unfamiliar feelings to say them out loud.
• No one has asked the child how she is feeling.  Subsequently, she thinks there's something wrong with herself and tries to push away or deny her feelings.

. . . these 'coping' responses only delay a child's healing and his return to feeling better." p.170

"No matter how friendly their parents act during a divorce, in their heart of hearts, the children are distressed.  They don't want their mom and dad to dissolve the marriage; they don't want to settle for seeing one parent on a part-time basis." p. 171

"Remember that to emotionally survive a death, separation, divorce, or family crisis, children need:

• Sufficient time to mourn the profound change that has occurred
• Permission to cry
• Knowledgeable, caring adults who reach out and support them." p. 177  

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take IV

"It is not the divorce itself that destroys the kids but rather how the parents divorce, and how they rebuild the two new family units." p.113

"The more positive, loving time a child spends with all family members, the stronger the child's self-esteem.  The best-adjusted children of divorce have lots of time with both parents and extended family and friends -- time when they don't have to curtail their actions or monitor what comes out of their mouths; when they can move freely from family to family; when their moments together aren't timed or inventoried." p. 116-7

"It is imperative that we remind children again and again that a divorce is an adult problem.  There is nothing a child or teen could every say or do that would cause his parents to divorce." p.119

". . . the child is some of each parent.  His self-esteem is rooted in his family tree.  When you negate the value of a parent or grandparent, you tear at the fabric of the child's being.  That's why children will defend and protect their parents, often to an extreme.  They are protecting themselves as well." p.121

"For adults who divorce, the event is a conclusion.  For the children, divorce is often a beginning -- of unfinished business, of uncertainty. . . Adults like to think that kids go through a period of sadness immediately following a divorce and then simply bounce back to the way they were predivorce . . . But just because a child appears "fine" on the outside doesn't mean that all is well on the inside.  If children have not grieved the change in their families and have not been given the attention they need to fully comprehend why their parents divorced, their grief and emotional issues end up being buried very much alive and someday will need to be dealt with." p. 122

Marta quotes a 15 year-old boy whose parents divorced when he was 10 -- "Divorce is a painful solution to an otherwise unsolvable problem" (p. 123).  Makes perfect sense to me.

 

Related articles

• Holidays After Divorce (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take III

"So what does a couple do when their marriage is in disrepair?  Should they stay together for the sake of the children?  Many  . . . believe the answer is yes, since divorce can be detrimental to the children in the family.  Certainly . . . any couple that is contemplating divorce should put forth every possible effort to save the marriage.  Having said that, however, I must also state that I firmly believe that it is far better for a child to come from a divorced family than to live in one.  To grow up in a home where there is abuse or constant arguing or where there is no love is far worse for the child." (p. 102)

There is an excellent list, How to Prepare Children and Adolescents for a Separation or Divorce, on pages 106-7.

"Telling the stories of our lives and love relationships to our children can help them realize that we all stumble and try again; our hearts get broken and we try again another time; we make wise choices and reap the benefits; we make wrong decisions and suffer the consequences.  Through it all, though, we learn and become better people.

When children, and especially teens, make disparaging remarks about marriage, turn the conversation into a positive discussion . . . Explain that marriage means much more than simply falling in love, that it is an ongoing commitment between two separate individuals who have joined their family histories, their values, and their spiritual beliefs.  Tell them that this is the reason why it's so important for them to know themselves and their personal goals well before they choose a spouse.  This is also a good time to remind kids that although 50 percent of marriages fail, the other 50 percent function very well." p.108

I appreciate the above paragraphs so much.  I don't want Fiona to think that I don't value commitments I've made. I don't want her to feel pessimistic about marriage or about relationships in general.  These words give me hope and direction.

"Before a divorce, parents usually argue behind closed doors.  Once the divorce is final, arguments are out in the open and usually about kid topics like child support and visitation.  So why wouldn't the kids feel guilty and think the divorce was really about them?" p. 111

Teaser Tuesdays -- November 23, 2010 -- Marriage is the first step toward divorce

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR lists if they like your teasers! 

 "Love is the foundation upon which marriages are formed and families are created.  Strange as it is, marriage is also the first step toward divorce." 
~p. 103, Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope by Suzy Yehl Marta

Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take I

Cover of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope

I've been reading Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope:  How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death, and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach by Suzy Yehl Marta.  I'll probably keep sharing little snippets because it's some good stuff.  I'm finding it saddening and sobering yet also hopeful.  I'm so sad for my daughter in so many ways, and for myself and my husband.  And yet, in my most rational moments, I am convinced that moving in this direction will bring more eventual joy than sorrow.  At two o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep and everything feels so very impossible -- it's a bit more difficult to believe.

The following are direct quotes from the book.


Adults rely on a long string of accumulated life experiences to prepare for new circumstances.  Kids don't have that crutch.  They're facing life events for the first time.  More often than not, they really don't know what to expect.  It's understandable, then, that new situations evoke feelings of fear and nervousness about how they'll cope and if they'll be able to get through the situation successfully.  p.59

A significant loss, such as a divorce or death, sends a child's world spinning out of control.  Everything he has held as normal or stable shifts and changes.  Realizing that he will never recapture what has been lost, the child is filled with sadness.  This usually signals that reality is setting in. p. 69

A child's identity is intrinsically linked to her family.  She thinks of herself as being part of the family unit, linked by an emotional umbilical cord.  After a divorce, she needs two cords, one tying her to her mother . . . and one joining her to her father.  This new identity, or new linkage, can't be forged overnight.  It takes time and nurturing. . . for many children, identity begins with their name.  They may feel confused and abandoned if, after a divorce, their mother reclaims her maiden name.  If she later remarries and assumes her second husband's last name, the children are further removed from her. p. 71

Throughout their lives, children of divorce are forced to make painful choices.  At a wedding or family celebration, they have to decide whom to invite, whom to talk to first, and with whom to sit.. .   [They] don't experience the pain of their parents' divorce or the death of a loved person just one time.  At various stages in life, the feelings of loss may be rekindled or the memory of the event resurrected, triggering a sad attack. {The author says that children experience sadness in waves -- imagine a child weeping over a sibling's death, then playing and laughing with friends, and later in the same day feeling depressed and hopeless -- and she refers to these moments as "sad attacks".}This can happen repeatedly as children mature and move into adulthood.  It can be a recurring trigger for sadness and depression. p. 72-3

Teaser Tuesdays -- November 16, 2010 --

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR lists if they like your teasers! 

Which is sharper?  The hatchet that cuts down dreams?  Or the scythe that clears a path for another?  

~ from The Dreamer  by Pam Munoz Ryan & Peter Sis

Reading this one with my six-year-old daughter right now.  The main character's father is pretty harsh, so I'm finding myself doing tiny bits of editing from time to time, but am also finding a lot of beauty in the book.  This quote felt very hopeful to me, which is something I welcome these days.

The privacy or obscurity on Negro life makes that life capable, in our imaginations, of producing anything at all; and thus the idea of Bigger's monstrosity can be presented without fear of contradiction, since no American has the knowledge or authority to contest it and no Negro has the voice. It is an idea, which, in the framework of the novel, is dignified by the possibility it promptly affords of presenting Bigger as the herald of disaster, the danger signal of a more bitter time to come when not Bigger alone but all his kindred will rise, in the name of the many thousands who have perished in fire and flood and by rope and torture, to demand their rightful vengeance.
~p. 41-2, Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin

A friend of mine read this book recently and so I picked it up as well.  Though I noticed, in the process of writing this post, that she only gave it 7/10 stars.  I might not have picked it up if I'd paid attention to that, though I have a vague notion that it is a book that one "should" read.

Cover of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope

Grieving a serious loss like death or divorce takes years to complete.  Oddly, the first year is usually the easiest.  

~p. 33, Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope:  How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death, and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach by Suzy Yehl Marta


I have this one out from the library right now and have been appreciating it as a way to continue thinking about how to talk with my daughter about my pending divorce, how to think about it myself, and what to expect from both of us.  I definitely think that, as the subtitle implies, this book would be relevant to other types of loss as well.  This quote specifically strikes me as an important thing to remember.