Life choices vs. moral choices

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Since reading Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane, I have continued to ponder what the main character said at one point:

I just notice people sometimes mistake their life choices for their moral ones.
~p.133, Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane 

His words keep bouncing around in my head but I haven't been sure how to articulate my thoughts about why this sentence struck me in such a significant way.

I think that maybe I'm not the only one who (whether occasionally, sometimes, or often) struggles to make that distinction - where *is* the dividing line between something that is a moral issue and something that is simply a choice an individual has made about one part of her life?

Part of the difficulty, perhaps,arises when one thinks carefully about the decisions one makes. Most people have areas of their life within which they make more deliberate decisions.  I believe that it is those very decisions, the ones you take more time with, the ones that, perhaps, differ from those around you, that are the hardest to feel flexible about. 

Should our end goal be to acknowledge that even if we've carefully made life choices that are based on ethical or moral reasoning doesn't mean that someone who takes a different path is wrong?

Teaser Tuesdays -- November 9, 2010 --Careers for Bookworms

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR lists if they like your teasers! 

Michael believes that one of the reasons you go to college is to find out what you're not good at.  He discovered that he was not good at novel writing, which had been his career goal.

~ McGraw-Hill's Careers for Bookworms and Other Literary Types (4th edition) by Marjorie Eberts & Margaret Gisler

I find this quote really thought-provoking.  I went to a liberal arts college for five years.  I had difficulty choosing a major.  I thought a lot about social work but eventually chose elementary education, later adding early childhood education as a second major and TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) as a minor.  I feel as though I majored in something I was fairly good at, but, perhaps, not the exact right choice -- though I'm also willing to consider the possibility that it was just right for me at the time.  So much else is changing in my life right now that job and career stuff seem very up-for-grabs as well.

Other majors that appeal to me (though I don't have any concrete plans to go back to school):

• Linguistics 
• English (which is key to many careers discussed in this book)
• Spanish
• History
• Literature
• Behavioral Economics

Some of the career options discussed in this book make me drool, to be quite frank. 

• Editorial Assistant -- while I think that being an editor or executive editor would possibly be too high-pressure for me and would certainly require more experience/education than I have at this point, I think I could thrive as an editorial assistant.
• Assistant Editor/Copyeditor/Proofreader -- I already do this internally when I'm reading -- so why not put it down on paper?
• Indexer -- this is the second time in the past few months that I've heard about this specific job (something I'd never thought about before -- "Oh, right -- somebody must do the index...")  From the little I've learned, it seems like indexing might be a skill that is somewhat easier to acquire at this stage of my life and I think it's something I could enjoy -- also something you can do as a freelancer. The idea of having a job that I could continue even were I to change geographic locations seems handy.  You can take correspondence classes to be trained as an indexer.  Of course, spending the entire day at a computer terminal might be physically taxing.
• Assistant at a literary agency -- ". . . could include reading manuscripts and writing reviews; typing and filing correspondence to authors and publishers; and scheduling meetings among authors, agents, and publishers" (49).
• Book club selector -- select books to be offered in Book-of-the-Month Club, Quality Paperback Book Club, etc.  I would enjoy reading and evaluating books that I think others would enjoy.
• Editorial Assistant (Magazine Staff) -- Oooh, what if I could work at The Sun?
• Letters Department Manager (Magazine Staff)
• Consumer Relations
• Obviously, I'd also be happy working in a library (again), a bookstore, or to be involved in literacy in some way.

This book is full of all sorts of career options in addition to the ones I've listed here as well as concrete advice as to what steps to take to find a book-related job you'll love.

Something my mom found and sent to me

The Direction Of Happiness 

Leaving A Relationship
 

One of the hardest decisions we ever make in life is leaving a long-term relationship that just isn’t working. When attempts at repairing and working out issues aren’t working, it may be time to examine moving on. We are emotional creatures, and when our heartstrings are tied to those of another, separating from that person can feel like an act of courage. It is not something most of us will take lightly, and many of us will struggle with our desire to stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling simply in order to avoid that pain. We may question whether the happiness we seek even exists, and we may wonder if we might be wiser to simply settle where we are, making the best of what we have. 


On the one hand, we almost relish the idea that true happiness is not out there so that we can avoid the pain of change. On the other hand, we feel within ourselves a yearning to fulfill our desire for relationships that are vital and healing. Ultimately, most of us will follow this call, because deep within ourselves we know that we deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy, no matter where we find ourselves in this moment, and we are all justified in moving, like plants toward the light, in the direction that leads to our greatest fulfillment. First, though, we may need to summon the courage to move on from the relationship that appears to be holding us back.



 
Taking the first steps will be hard, but the happiness we find when we have freed ourselves from a situation that is draining our energy will outshine any hardship we undergo to get there. Keeping our eyes trained on the horizon, we begin the work of disentangling ourselves from the relationship that no longer fits. Every step brings us closer to a relationship that will work, and the freedom we need to find the happiness we deserve.

Deep Breaths -- Take Two

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I've been going through some major changes and transitions in my life right now, giant, scary, hard, sad changes and transitions.  Overwhelming, exhausting, sob-inducing, confusing, tricky, all-encompassing changes and transitions.  Overdue and potentially life- and light-bringing changes and transitions.

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I've been staying on the lighter side here on the blog -- perhaps just as a space where I can keep pretending everything is normal/status quo/okay.

Image by woodleywonderworks via Flickr

I'm pretty sure that at some point I'll start sharing more on here -- perhaps after I figure out the balance between this being my space to process and share and this being a public space that anyone can read.  Between being fair to everyone involved and being good to myself, giving myself some space to think aloud and find encouragement.

Image by LensCat via Flickr

Love and peace to you all on this Monday morning.

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Teaser Tuesdays -- AKA Dan Ariely rocks

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly meme hosted by Miz B of Should Be Reading and asks you to :


1. Grab your current read

2. Open to a random page

3 . Share 2 "teaser" sentences also citing the title of the book and the author and in that way people can have great recommendations if they like the "teaser".

4. Please avoid spoilers!

 "Could all this mean that sometimes we might actually behave less rationally when we try harder?  If that's so, what is the correct way to pay people without overstressing them? "
p. 51, The Upside of Irrationality by Dan Ariely


The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home by Dan Ariely

First off, you should all know that I adore Dan Ariely. His first book, Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions, totally rocked my world.  Ariely is a behavioral economist who teaches at Duke. One should be able to read a book on behavioral economics in bed without laughing and/or snorting aloud while needing to say to your family members every five minutes,"Okay, I know the light is out, I'm reading with a flashlight, and your eyes are closed, but just listen to this part."  Do not expect to be able to do this with any book written by Dan Ariely.  After reading Predictably Irrational I decided that if I ever went back to school I'd get a degree in behavioral economics this time. I don't know if I could really hack it or not, but Dan Ariely makes the entire field absolutely fascinating!


I knew very little about behavioral economics before encountering Ariely's work. In his words, behavioral economists "don't assume that people are perfectly sensible, calculating machines. Instead, we observe how people actually behave, and quite often our observations lead us to the conclusion that human beings are irrational" (page 6). Ariely adds that the goal of behavioral economics is "to try to understand the way we really operate so we can more readily observe our biases, be more aware of their influences on us, and hopefully make better decisions" (page 9).

Ariely includes an interesting side-bar about what motivates people to blog that would interest my fellow bloggers.  I certainly agree that I love to read comments on my own blog and I've heard many of you say the same.

I could clearly gush about this book forever.  I'll let you all admire my restraint as I simply say that if you are in the market for a new non-fiction read, this is it!

The Conscious Kitchen by Alexandra Zissu

The Conscious Kitchen: the New Way to Buy and Cook Food -- to Protect the Earth, Improve your Health, and Eat Deliciously by Alexandra Zissu

This is a short little book (barely 200 pages) with all kinds of practical ideas and advice.  Pick it up soon -- you won't be disappointed.

Zissu begins the book with her ten "Conscious Commandments . . . ten easy things you can do. . .  to move toward having a more conscious kitchen" (I'm just sharing the bare bones of these commandments -- for the full scoop, get your hands on the book!):

1. Eat less meat.
2. Just say no to bottled water.
3. Buy local organic or sustainably farmed fruits and vegetables.
4. Eat only the least contaminated sustainably harvested wild or well-sourced farmed seafood.
5. Always consider packaging when shopping.
6. Cook at home.
7. Avoid plastic as often as you can.
8. Try composting, even if you live in a city or a house without a yard.
9. Whenever possible, reduce energy use in the kitchen by choosing efficient appliances, cooking methods, and dishwashing practices; don't leave appliances plugged in when not in use; ask your electric company for alternative energy sources like wind power.
10. Spread the word. [guess that's what I'm doing here!)

I already try to do a fair bit of this.  I'd like to be more conscious of packaging while food shopping and I'd also like to figure out the best way for our family to start composting!  If you are reading this, feel free to check back in and keep me accountable.  ;)


A few other facts, ideas, and resources to get you started:

• PLU (price look-up -- on the stickers on produce) codes begin with nine and have five digits if the product is organic, begin with four and have four digits if conventional.  Genetically modified PLUs should start with eight and have 5 digits.
• Google "Great Pacific Garbage Patch"
• www.pickyourown.org
• www.localharvest.org
• www.dinegreen.com
• www.oceansalive.org and www.blueocean.org (both for information about buying and eating fish
• Use loose-leaf teas in a French press -- saves packaging!
• Some cities provide free tests for you to test your own tap water.  (Something else I should probably do and that you all should bug me about.  :))
• Decaf coffee is usually made by soaking beans in solvents -- including one that is a paint stripper.  If you'd like to avoid this in your decaf, look for beans that have been CO2 or water processed instead.
• Zissu highly recommends cooking with cast-iron and includes detailed instructions for seasoning your cast-iron pots and pans.
• Put a dollar in your fridge door and shut the door -- if the dollar falls out or you can feel cold air coming out, the seal is not tight enough.  You can buy a replacement seal at the hardware store and install it yourself.

This is just a sampling -- The Conscious Kitchen is an important book -- I got it from my library and you can too!

Happy Monday to All! And to All a Book Giveaway!

 Hello everyone!  I had a lovely weekend on retreat at Snow Mountain Ranch with my daughter's school.  {Didn't get quite enough game playing or reading in, of course, but I did get a good start on Marion Nestle's What to Eat -- which was like a little extra conscience in the presence of lots of food and comfy chairs -- "Should I have another piece of that yummy cake and then sit here and read some more?  No, I should have a banana and go for a nice walk in the sun."}.  It was a great opportunity to get to know other Alpine Valley families a little more.

I'm still pondering what kind of camera I am going to buy with my birthday money.  I have it narrowed down to four:

Canon Powershot SD780IS
Canon Powershot A3100IS
Nikon Coolpix S3000
Nikon Coolpix S230

Happily accepting advice!  

One last thing on this bonny Monday morning -- Lois Lowry's The Giver.  If you don't already know and love this book, your life has a small little empty spot.  I highly recommend you read it soon.  And here is a chance to win an autographed copy!

Learning at Home: A Mother's Guide to Homeschooling by Marty Layne -- Take I

I was expecting to just have a small bit to say about this book, largely about the stuff on page 22, but I just keep finding more good stuff! I find that reading books related to parenting, learning, and/or inner growth type stuff, are a really good way to stay conscious of my relationship with my daughter, to keep the way I want to interact with her in the front of my mind.  Some books are rich with passages that encourage me in this way, that represent the way I want to be a mama.  Though I wasn’t expecting this book to be like that, it certainly has been – I think that part the reason it is speaking to me so much is because, while the main focus on the book is on homeschooling, Layne takes a holistic approach to the subject and thus touches on so many other aspects of being a parent and of being a young child (and a human being, for that matter).


I did try to rein in my note-taking -- and I think I'll share less after the first 2 or 3 chapters, but I'm guessing ya'all may be seeing (notice I didn't make any assumptions by saying "reading") more than one post on this book.


From page 22:

 All of this sounds very calm, logical and reasonable, and I wish I could have been calm, logical and reasonable each time someone questioned my choices . . .  The criticism I received in the early years came from friends and acquaintances.  This was at times quite devastating, yet when I weighed the criticism against my inner convictions, I saw that it was my desire to be liked by everyone that was being threatened by people’s criticism.  Being liked by everyone has never been my goal.

I appreciate the idea that having a desire for something does not mean it is your actual goal.   I think her attitude could be applied to other situations in life where we find ourselves feeling defensive and/or criticized.  Perhaps I should apply it to this blog -- it's okay if I post things that result in people not liking me.


Also from page 22:

When someone questions my decision regarding homeschooling, I find that it is more helpful if I discuss the positive aspects of homeschooling rather than the negatives of school.  The positive reasons can be easier for someone to hear because it seems less threatening.  Because I have done something differently, some people feel my choice is a criticism of their own actions.  When I can state my reasons for my choices in positive terms based on my own feelings and perceptions, then, although the person I’m speaking with may disagree, it is often easier to accept. 

 This seems like such an obvious thing, in some ways.  And yet, it's amazingly hard to do, eh?  I like the idea that if you choose to homeschool (or some other slightly unconventional choice) your list of good things that come from it should be just as long as the list of bad things that might come from not doing it.  Don't breastfeed your child because of the downsides of formula, but rather because of the amazing benefits of breast-milk.  Don't choose to live in a smaller house/apartment because otherwise you might spend beyond your means or have a lot to clean, choose to live in a small space because it encourages creativity and less consumption.  Not only does this make it easier to talk with others about your choices without putting them on the defensive -- I think it also just keeps a more positive tune running through your own head.  And it means your decisions are made out of a desire for goodness in your life, not fear of what could be.

Three more quotes from this section that I feel can be applied outside the realm of homeschooling.  Then I'll make myself stop for now before this turns into a book.

From page 23:

Part of maturing is accepting that some of the choices you make about how you live your life may offend others.  This happens to everyone.  Homeschooling can be a way to find strengths you weren’t aware of as you find ways to stay true to your own beliefs while at the same time accepting that others may not agree with you. 

From page 25:

…air your grievances about homeschooling only to those who have no vested interest in you changing your method of education.  If your mother is quite concerned about you not sending your daughter to school, she would not be a good person to talk to when you feel that you are at the end of your rope…  When we choose to raise our children in ways that are different from the culture around us, then whatever behavior a child shows that might be irritating to his elders is usually attributed to whatever we are doing that is different from the dominant culture. 

From page 27:

Using empathetic listening skills when someone is criticizing your choice of education is an option that may also be helpful . . . i.e., “What do you mean you’re not sending her to school?  How will she ever be able to cope in the world and get a job?”  [The] empathetic response [would be] “When you think about her future you are worried she won’t be able to make it.”  As an empathetic listener, you don’t take what the person is saying personally, as something you need to defend, fix, or explain, instead you respond with empathy and concern for speaker’s feelings . . .  It is amazing how often people are really looking for an empathetic response rather than any other kind.

All quotes from Learning at Home used with author's permission:   www.martylayne.com