Shattered Dreams: Healing after Divorce -- DVD

I got this 30-minute video out of the library.  It is made up of short snippets of men and women talking about their experiences with divorce and with the years following their divorces.  It wasn't anything revolutionary, but it was good, nonetheless, to hear other people's experiences -- almost just an affirmation of "Yes, this is a big deal -- and it's okay that it feel like one to you."  I should've jotted my thoughts down while I was watching, but just a few things that stuck with me:

• I could've done better
• guilt is when you know you've done things wrong; made mistakes
• shame is when you feel you *are* the mistake
• anger is a normal part of this whole process  (which I completely know and believe, but it was nice to hear it echoed here.)
• mourning what was & what could've been

The DVD came with a little brochure with additional information.  A few excerpts:

From Top 10 Survival Tips for Divorce Recovery (by Micki McWade):

• Remember, if you have children, you will be in touch with each other until one of you dies.
• The way a divorce is handled impacts your life for a long time.  It sets the stage for many years.
• If you act with thought, rather than with emotion, you will save yourself grief.
• Don't let the lawyers control the divorce process.  It's your divorce and you are in charge. 
• Eat when you are hungry, drink when you are thirsty, rest when you're tired, and exercise to blow off steam or or lift your spirits.
• Death of the "dream of the ideal" is the last thing to go.

From 10 Tips to Help Your Child Through Divorce (by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.)

• Let your child know it is not their fault.  All children assume they may be responsible for their parents' breakup.  Children may need to be gently reassured repeatedly.
• Listen quietly.  Children have many questions, feelings, assumptions, and concerns about divorce.  Children need to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.
• Let your child know however they respond to the divorce is O.K.  Children need to know all their feelings are acceptable. 
• Let your child know it is normal for them to want their parents to get back together again.
• Reassure your child of personal safety.  Many children are concerned that if their parents there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them.
• Ask your child about friends of theirs whose parents are divorced.  This is a good way to learn of your child's fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear up any misconceptions.

From the Bill of Rights for Children Whose Parents Are Divorced (from Parenting After Divorce:  A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs by Dr. Philip M. Stahl)

Children have the right to:

• Be protected from the parental warfare.
• Develop and maintain an independent relationship with each parent.  
• Be free of responsibility for having caused the divorce.
• Expect that both parents will follow through with the parenting plan and honor specific commitments for scheduled time with their child.
• Avoid being told the painful details of their parents' legal proceedings.
• Avoid being made to feel guilty for loving both parents.
• Avoid being cross-examined by one parent after spending time with the other parent.
• Not be used as a messenger or spy between the parents
• Not be asked to keep secrets from the other parent.

The A-Team movie and my brother

Last Wednesday was our 9th wedding anniversary and we decided to use anniversary money from my in-laws to go see the A-Team movie.   I definitely watched this show as a child and wondered what I would think of the movie.

It was a lot of fun.  The actors who played Face and Murdoch didn't really look like the original actors but the more you watched the more you realized how much they had the personalities and mannerisms of the originals down pat.  Liam Neeson played Hannibal, which was really fun.  It surprised me to see such a big name actor but I got the impression that they all had a blast creating the movie. 

I was a little taken aback at how much watching the movie brought my brother into my mind.  We watched the show together so often.  My brother adored B.A., Mr T's character.  We had contests during the commercials to see who could guess first what each ad was advertising.  And man, did we think we were cool when we quoted Hannibal, "I love it when a plan comes together".  (Truth be told, I still think I'm pretty cool when I say it now.)

My brother has been incarcerated since last summer -- meth related charges.  Thinking about him while watching the movie just sort of made me ache.  I ache for the time he will be in jail, for things he will miss, for the freedom he lacks.  I want to be able to turn back time to those crucial moments where he weighed financial gain against breaking the law and to those moments where he weighed depression, sadness, and isolation against using a drug that, at least temporarily, took all of that away.

And of course, I wonder how much having B.A. as a role model affected my brother's life choices.  :)  I can say that here because I know that he would find it as funny as I do.

As a side-note, there is an interesting subplot in the movie regarding B.A.'s vow of non-violence -- made while in jail.  I was a little disappointed with the way it played out.  I assume there are all sorts of internet discussions out there about this facet of the movie and I may try to find a few -- as someone whose main church involvement in the past 15 years has been in a pacifist denomination, it was an intriguing part of the movie.