The Simple Woman's Daybook - May 4, 2010

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... wind blowing the new spring buds, bright yellow green leaves, and wind chimes

I am thinking...it's funny I can hear the cat snoring

I am thankful for... bagels and cream cheese in my refrigerator

I am wearing...the shirt my dorm floor had made in college (my name is on the back as one of the "Top Ten reasons to live on Miller 1st :))

I am remembering...what Sartre said about other people

I am creating...a calm heart, a calm heart, a calm heart

I am going...to be okay, be okay.

I am reading... Shift by Jennifer Bradbury

I am hoping...I feel happy in five years about the decisions I make this year

I am hearing...my husband vacuuming up the baking soda we put on the carpet in the corner to absorb the smell...Thanks, Jeremy.  And thanks Felix & Tucker for remembering where your litter box is tomorrow!

Around the house...very clean carpet in the little bedroom  :)

On my mind...appropriate and inappropriate uses of facebook

Noticing that...my water glass doesn't magically become full if I check it again 33 seconds later

Pondering these words... "We are looking to brands for poetry and for spirituality, because we're not getting those things from our communities or from each other."  ~Naomi Klein



One of my favorite things...mild spring nights with a breeze

A few plans for the rest of the week... physical therapy, a five-year-old's birthday party, and some time to myself on Sunday morning

Here is picture for thought I am sharing (from my friend Amy)...

Teaser Tuesdays -- Mrs. Teller's husband

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (Make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!
  
  

  "What can you tell us about Mrs. Teller's husband?" he asked.

  "Only that he never came back from the war."
   ~p.144, The Red Door by Charles Todd

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT with either the link to your own Teaser Tuesdays post, or share your 2 ‘teasers’ in a comment here (if you don’t have a blog). Thanks!

Learning at Home: A Mother's Guide to Homeschooling Take III (limit setting)

Pages 36-42
I like the way she talks about respect and setting limits.  Children learn respect for others when you set limits.  At the same time, one should expect children to make mistakes as they are still learning.  “I am still learning . . . and I’m a lot older than they are.  It takes practice to do anything well” (p. 40).  I appreciate the idea of setting limits combined with not being shocked and angry when those limits are sometimes crossed.  Limit-setting, for Layne, includes letting your child know when her actions are hurtful and she reminds us that young children will need actions combined with words to really understand.  She shares the example of a young child climbing into an adult’s lap in a way that (completely unintentionally) is uncomfortable or painful for the adult.  The adult can tell the child that it hurts and either talk about a way to climb up that wouldn’t hurt or say that they are quite happy to help the child up whenever asked.  I like the way that this is purely a teaching moment and that it still welcomes the child’s presence.  She reminds parents that this conversation will not be a one-time event – that it will occur over and over again and all one needs to do is to continue to remind the child of your limits while addressing her need to be on lap.

I love that she acknowledges that this doesn’t mean your child is ignoring your wishes or requests, but rather that your child is a child and is still learning each and every day.  When I take the time to remind myself that my daughter has been on this planet for barely six years, I view her behavior in a completely different light than if I think something along the lines of “I can’t believe she {fill in the blank} – we’ve talked about this 100 times!”  This doesn’t mean that you give up on limits (or start looking for how to punish) but that you continue to state your limits and give love. Something that I try to do, and that Layne mentions as well, is that parents can try to anticipate certain behaviors   and act preemptively – the example she uses is noticing cues that your child has a desire to sit in your lap and simply picking him/her up.   Layne also reminds parents, if a given behavior continues, to consider what needs of your child may not be being met.

It’s always nice to find validation of something you already do, isn’t it? :) When the author’s daughter was 5 or 6, she took her on several weekend long conferences.  They spent time beforehand talking about what the weekend would be like.  The daughter was prepared ahead of time for what to expect and the author and her daughter were able to enjoy the weekend together while the author was able to participate fully during the meeting times.  I have found that when I talk to Fiona about what to expect from a given situation and we brainstorm about possible solutions to potential problems, everything goes much more smoothly.   This is something I often do before we head to book club – it happens in the evening, there are often many children there, and the adults are (hypothetically) discussing the book.  When I know that Fiona has had a long day already, I check in with her about whether she would like to come or stay home with her dad.  If she would like to come to book club, we talk about what she might do if she feels tired or begins to feel frustrated with another child.  I’m never sorry when we take the time (even just in the car on the way there) to talk about ideas for how to make the night go well.

All quotes from Learning at Home used with author's permission:   www.martylayne.com

Learning at Home: A Mother's Guide to Homeschooling Take II (negative interpetations and making mistakes)

On pages 31-34 Layne talks about learning from mistakes, allowing children to make mistakes, repentance (she says “repentance really means . . . to change your way of thinking and to act differently” – easier said than done, eh?  Seems like another good thing to keep in the front of one's consciousness), interpreting children’s intentions/inferring children’s motives and children’s need to be taught to express anger, rage, frustration in an appropriate way.  I’m truly trying to not just type out the whole book for you, but it’s just such good stuff that it’s hard to rein myself in! 

She says that, if you are homeschooling, the way that you view mistakes (and react to them) becomes a part of your child’s learning environment (clearly this is true to some extent even if your child attends school outside of the home, but it makes sense to me that this is even more true in a homeschooling family). 

Attributing “bad” motives or intentions to a child’s (spouse’s, friend’s) behavior is such an easy pitfall for humans, isn’t it?  “It has taken me years of thinking this through, and observing my children to see how often I infer a motive for an action that says more about myself than about my child” (p. 35).  Can I get an “Amen!”?  I just think this is such a spot-on observation. 

My confession of the day, related to negative interpretations –  Recently Fiona and I were getting ready to walk to the grocery store with our little wire mesh cart.  When I walked into the living room, she had just finished placing Felix, one of the two cats we are fostering, into the cart. It looked like he was scared -- the spaces in between the metal are larger than a cat’s foot and it looked like he was trying to climb out but couldn’t quite do it.  I reacted much more out of sympathy to Felix than a desire to understand Fiona’s point of view.  My inner dialogue was probably something along the lines of “Ack!  My child is hurting an animal!  Ack!  I want her to be gentle with them!  Why would she put Felix in the cart when it is so obviously not a good/safe place for him and she knew it would freak him out?!”  I got Felix out  and was talking to Fiona about how it “wasn’t okay” to put him in the cart and how it wasn’t a funny joke, how I wanted her to be gentle to the cats, etc., etc., etc.  In retrospect, I wish I had focused on helping Felix feel safe and saying something along the lines of “I wonder if you were interested to see what Felix would do in the cart – We don’t have it out very much and it probably seemed like such a perfect little place for Felix to hang out.  I bet you didn’t notice how big those holes in the cart were, huh?  Were you surprised when he didn’t like it in there?”  I could also have asked her if she wanted to help Felix get back out.  I think part of the irony is that it’s not like me reacting the way I did soothed Felix’s nerves or helped him in any way – in fact, my tone of voice while talking to Fiona probably just made him more stressed out!  This is something I think about often when one child hurts another – so often it seems like the focus is on making sure the child who did the hurting gets chastised – what are we modeling when we do that?  It certainly isn’t helping the hurt child to feel better and, in my opinion, the “hurt-er” isn’t really learning anything other than that perhaps the next time s/he’ll slug someone where there aren’t adults around to watch! 

A final quote from this section on page 35:

Perhaps . . . our children don’t understand our language and we need to find a way to communicate in their language.  We need to trust in their ability to achieve mastery and allow them to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes just as they did when they were learning to walk.  We need to trust in our development and learn from our mistakes.

All quotes from Learning at Home used with author's permission:   www.martylayne.com

Learning at Home: A Mother's Guide to Homeschooling by Marty Layne -- Take I

I was expecting to just have a small bit to say about this book, largely about the stuff on page 22, but I just keep finding more good stuff! I find that reading books related to parenting, learning, and/or inner growth type stuff, are a really good way to stay conscious of my relationship with my daughter, to keep the way I want to interact with her in the front of my mind.  Some books are rich with passages that encourage me in this way, that represent the way I want to be a mama.  Though I wasn’t expecting this book to be like that, it certainly has been – I think that part the reason it is speaking to me so much is because, while the main focus on the book is on homeschooling, Layne takes a holistic approach to the subject and thus touches on so many other aspects of being a parent and of being a young child (and a human being, for that matter).


I did try to rein in my note-taking -- and I think I'll share less after the first 2 or 3 chapters, but I'm guessing ya'all may be seeing (notice I didn't make any assumptions by saying "reading") more than one post on this book.


From page 22:

 All of this sounds very calm, logical and reasonable, and I wish I could have been calm, logical and reasonable each time someone questioned my choices . . .  The criticism I received in the early years came from friends and acquaintances.  This was at times quite devastating, yet when I weighed the criticism against my inner convictions, I saw that it was my desire to be liked by everyone that was being threatened by people’s criticism.  Being liked by everyone has never been my goal.

I appreciate the idea that having a desire for something does not mean it is your actual goal.   I think her attitude could be applied to other situations in life where we find ourselves feeling defensive and/or criticized.  Perhaps I should apply it to this blog -- it's okay if I post things that result in people not liking me.


Also from page 22:

When someone questions my decision regarding homeschooling, I find that it is more helpful if I discuss the positive aspects of homeschooling rather than the negatives of school.  The positive reasons can be easier for someone to hear because it seems less threatening.  Because I have done something differently, some people feel my choice is a criticism of their own actions.  When I can state my reasons for my choices in positive terms based on my own feelings and perceptions, then, although the person I’m speaking with may disagree, it is often easier to accept. 

 This seems like such an obvious thing, in some ways.  And yet, it's amazingly hard to do, eh?  I like the idea that if you choose to homeschool (or some other slightly unconventional choice) your list of good things that come from it should be just as long as the list of bad things that might come from not doing it.  Don't breastfeed your child because of the downsides of formula, but rather because of the amazing benefits of breast-milk.  Don't choose to live in a smaller house/apartment because otherwise you might spend beyond your means or have a lot to clean, choose to live in a small space because it encourages creativity and less consumption.  Not only does this make it easier to talk with others about your choices without putting them on the defensive -- I think it also just keeps a more positive tune running through your own head.  And it means your decisions are made out of a desire for goodness in your life, not fear of what could be.

Three more quotes from this section that I feel can be applied outside the realm of homeschooling.  Then I'll make myself stop for now before this turns into a book.

From page 23:

Part of maturing is accepting that some of the choices you make about how you live your life may offend others.  This happens to everyone.  Homeschooling can be a way to find strengths you weren’t aware of as you find ways to stay true to your own beliefs while at the same time accepting that others may not agree with you. 

From page 25:

…air your grievances about homeschooling only to those who have no vested interest in you changing your method of education.  If your mother is quite concerned about you not sending your daughter to school, she would not be a good person to talk to when you feel that you are at the end of your rope…  When we choose to raise our children in ways that are different from the culture around us, then whatever behavior a child shows that might be irritating to his elders is usually attributed to whatever we are doing that is different from the dominant culture. 

From page 27:

Using empathetic listening skills when someone is criticizing your choice of education is an option that may also be helpful . . . i.e., “What do you mean you’re not sending her to school?  How will she ever be able to cope in the world and get a job?”  [The] empathetic response [would be] “When you think about her future you are worried she won’t be able to make it.”  As an empathetic listener, you don’t take what the person is saying personally, as something you need to defend, fix, or explain, instead you respond with empathy and concern for speaker’s feelings . . .  It is amazing how often people are really looking for an empathetic response rather than any other kind.

All quotes from Learning at Home used with author's permission:   www.martylayne.com