Shattered Dreams: Healing after Divorce -- DVD

I got this 30-minute video out of the library.  It is made up of short snippets of men and women talking about their experiences with divorce and with the years following their divorces.  It wasn't anything revolutionary, but it was good, nonetheless, to hear other people's experiences -- almost just an affirmation of "Yes, this is a big deal -- and it's okay that it feel like one to you."  I should've jotted my thoughts down while I was watching, but just a few things that stuck with me:

• I could've done better
• guilt is when you know you've done things wrong; made mistakes
• shame is when you feel you *are* the mistake
• anger is a normal part of this whole process  (which I completely know and believe, but it was nice to hear it echoed here.)
• mourning what was & what could've been

The DVD came with a little brochure with additional information.  A few excerpts:

From Top 10 Survival Tips for Divorce Recovery (by Micki McWade):

• Remember, if you have children, you will be in touch with each other until one of you dies.
• The way a divorce is handled impacts your life for a long time.  It sets the stage for many years.
• If you act with thought, rather than with emotion, you will save yourself grief.
• Don't let the lawyers control the divorce process.  It's your divorce and you are in charge. 
• Eat when you are hungry, drink when you are thirsty, rest when you're tired, and exercise to blow off steam or or lift your spirits.
• Death of the "dream of the ideal" is the last thing to go.

From 10 Tips to Help Your Child Through Divorce (by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.)

• Let your child know it is not their fault.  All children assume they may be responsible for their parents' breakup.  Children may need to be gently reassured repeatedly.
• Listen quietly.  Children have many questions, feelings, assumptions, and concerns about divorce.  Children need to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.
• Let your child know however they respond to the divorce is O.K.  Children need to know all their feelings are acceptable. 
• Let your child know it is normal for them to want their parents to get back together again.
• Reassure your child of personal safety.  Many children are concerned that if their parents there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them.
• Ask your child about friends of theirs whose parents are divorced.  This is a good way to learn of your child's fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear up any misconceptions.

From the Bill of Rights for Children Whose Parents Are Divorced (from Parenting After Divorce:  A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs by Dr. Philip M. Stahl)

Children have the right to:

• Be protected from the parental warfare.
• Develop and maintain an independent relationship with each parent.  
• Be free of responsibility for having caused the divorce.
• Expect that both parents will follow through with the parenting plan and honor specific commitments for scheduled time with their child.
• Avoid being told the painful details of their parents' legal proceedings.
• Avoid being made to feel guilty for loving both parents.
• Avoid being cross-examined by one parent after spending time with the other parent.
• Not be used as a messenger or spy between the parents
• Not be asked to keep secrets from the other parent.

Learning at Home: A Mother's Guide to Homeschooling Take III (limit setting)

Pages 36-42
I like the way she talks about respect and setting limits.  Children learn respect for others when you set limits.  At the same time, one should expect children to make mistakes as they are still learning.  “I am still learning . . . and I’m a lot older than they are.  It takes practice to do anything well” (p. 40).  I appreciate the idea of setting limits combined with not being shocked and angry when those limits are sometimes crossed.  Limit-setting, for Layne, includes letting your child know when her actions are hurtful and she reminds us that young children will need actions combined with words to really understand.  She shares the example of a young child climbing into an adult’s lap in a way that (completely unintentionally) is uncomfortable or painful for the adult.  The adult can tell the child that it hurts and either talk about a way to climb up that wouldn’t hurt or say that they are quite happy to help the child up whenever asked.  I like the way that this is purely a teaching moment and that it still welcomes the child’s presence.  She reminds parents that this conversation will not be a one-time event – that it will occur over and over again and all one needs to do is to continue to remind the child of your limits while addressing her need to be on lap.

I love that she acknowledges that this doesn’t mean your child is ignoring your wishes or requests, but rather that your child is a child and is still learning each and every day.  When I take the time to remind myself that my daughter has been on this planet for barely six years, I view her behavior in a completely different light than if I think something along the lines of “I can’t believe she {fill in the blank} – we’ve talked about this 100 times!”  This doesn’t mean that you give up on limits (or start looking for how to punish) but that you continue to state your limits and give love. Something that I try to do, and that Layne mentions as well, is that parents can try to anticipate certain behaviors   and act preemptively – the example she uses is noticing cues that your child has a desire to sit in your lap and simply picking him/her up.   Layne also reminds parents, if a given behavior continues, to consider what needs of your child may not be being met.

It’s always nice to find validation of something you already do, isn’t it? :) When the author’s daughter was 5 or 6, she took her on several weekend long conferences.  They spent time beforehand talking about what the weekend would be like.  The daughter was prepared ahead of time for what to expect and the author and her daughter were able to enjoy the weekend together while the author was able to participate fully during the meeting times.  I have found that when I talk to Fiona about what to expect from a given situation and we brainstorm about possible solutions to potential problems, everything goes much more smoothly.   This is something I often do before we head to book club – it happens in the evening, there are often many children there, and the adults are (hypothetically) discussing the book.  When I know that Fiona has had a long day already, I check in with her about whether she would like to come or stay home with her dad.  If she would like to come to book club, we talk about what she might do if she feels tired or begins to feel frustrated with another child.  I’m never sorry when we take the time (even just in the car on the way there) to talk about ideas for how to make the night go well.

All quotes from Learning at Home used with author's permission:   www.martylayne.com