Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take VIII

Cover of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope

I've finished reading Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope:  How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death, and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach by Suzy Yehl Marta. It's an excellent book.  There are very little things I would criticize (like the idea that if a child's hair is unkempt, clearly there are issues at home) but I really think that this book is useful for anyone who spends time with children, anyone who wants to be what Marta calls a compassionate companion.  I encourage you to pick it up, as different parts will stand out for each reader.


The rest of my notes/thoughts on the book:


Chapter 9, Activities & Rituals for Healing is just full of activities that can be done individually or with groups of children.  Chapter 10, Troubleshooting, addresses various problematic behaviors, where they might come from, and ways to address the behavior and talk with the child.

Chapter 11 -- Still a Family

". . . while you have severed your marriage bond with your spouse, the bond between child and parent . . . needs to remain strong and unquestioned . . . it is crucial that he's able to interact freely in both your family and your former spouse's.  To exclude members of the child's "other" family is to exclude a part of the child's very identity and can only end up hurting the child." (292)


"A complete divorce involves three elements:  legal, physical, and emotional.  Until all three are accomplished, you are not fully divorced . . . the emotional part of divorce can take years to achieve and can only be accomplished by you.  Yet divorcing yourself emotionally from your spouse and rebuilding a separate, positive, nurturing life is the most essential of these tasks -- and the most crucial one for allowing your children to heal and rebuild their own lives." (296)

"As parents, we owe it to our kids to recognize the destructive nature of our hostility and bitterness.  Despite what happened in the past, each child is entitled to two parents who are mature, responsible, and concerned enough to shelve their anger and work toward creating an environment where their children can interact comfortably with all members of their family." (299)


Marta talks about maintaining daily contact with your child whether she is with you or not.  This is something that Jeremy and I haven't really been doing and I think it is a good idea.  Just a phone call to check in and let her know we think about her even when she is not with us.   She also raises the issue of how to refer to a child's two houses - "your dad's/mom's house" takes from the child any ownership or sense of belonging.  She suggests using "your home with your mom" or "your home with your dad".  While this seems like such a small thing, it  makes sense to me and I hope to share this idea with others who are involved in Fiona's life.


Some tips for helping your child transition between houses:
*Send the children off to have a good time; be cheerful and encouraging.
*Before the children leave, remind them to love their other parent and enjoy their time with him or her.
*Never discuss issues or problems in front of the children, even though it may seem convenient to bring up conflicts while the kids are being picked up or dropped off.
*Establish goodbye and welcome-home traditions to ease the transitions.  (306-7)


Chapter 12 -- Caring Communities:  Shaping a Brighter Future


"Hope is what lights the path to reconciling loss.  It is a voice that continually says:  I will get better. Life will be better.  The pain will eventually go away. We need to offer hope as the incentive for navigating all of the difficult phases of mourning.  Hope makes grieving possible. . . By acting as compassionate companions, we give bereaved youth the only reassurance they have that their fundamental needs will be met." (311)


Epilogue: (Marta is talking about her own blended family, now that her children are adults.)


"Collectively, we try to look though the lens of what is best for the children and grandchildren.  Admittedly, sometimes the eyepiece gets clouded with hurt feelings or crummy attitudes, but we just keep polishing the glass to keep it clear and focused on the children." (329-30)