Learning at Home: A Mother's Guide to Homeschooling Take III (limit setting)

Pages 36-42
I like the way she talks about respect and setting limits.  Children learn respect for others when you set limits.  At the same time, one should expect children to make mistakes as they are still learning.  “I am still learning . . . and I’m a lot older than they are.  It takes practice to do anything well” (p. 40).  I appreciate the idea of setting limits combined with not being shocked and angry when those limits are sometimes crossed.  Limit-setting, for Layne, includes letting your child know when her actions are hurtful and she reminds us that young children will need actions combined with words to really understand.  She shares the example of a young child climbing into an adult’s lap in a way that (completely unintentionally) is uncomfortable or painful for the adult.  The adult can tell the child that it hurts and either talk about a way to climb up that wouldn’t hurt or say that they are quite happy to help the child up whenever asked.  I like the way that this is purely a teaching moment and that it still welcomes the child’s presence.  She reminds parents that this conversation will not be a one-time event – that it will occur over and over again and all one needs to do is to continue to remind the child of your limits while addressing her need to be on lap.

I love that she acknowledges that this doesn’t mean your child is ignoring your wishes or requests, but rather that your child is a child and is still learning each and every day.  When I take the time to remind myself that my daughter has been on this planet for barely six years, I view her behavior in a completely different light than if I think something along the lines of “I can’t believe she {fill in the blank} – we’ve talked about this 100 times!”  This doesn’t mean that you give up on limits (or start looking for how to punish) but that you continue to state your limits and give love. Something that I try to do, and that Layne mentions as well, is that parents can try to anticipate certain behaviors   and act preemptively – the example she uses is noticing cues that your child has a desire to sit in your lap and simply picking him/her up.   Layne also reminds parents, if a given behavior continues, to consider what needs of your child may not be being met.

It’s always nice to find validation of something you already do, isn’t it? :) When the author’s daughter was 5 or 6, she took her on several weekend long conferences.  They spent time beforehand talking about what the weekend would be like.  The daughter was prepared ahead of time for what to expect and the author and her daughter were able to enjoy the weekend together while the author was able to participate fully during the meeting times.  I have found that when I talk to Fiona about what to expect from a given situation and we brainstorm about possible solutions to potential problems, everything goes much more smoothly.   This is something I often do before we head to book club – it happens in the evening, there are often many children there, and the adults are (hypothetically) discussing the book.  When I know that Fiona has had a long day already, I check in with her about whether she would like to come or stay home with her dad.  If she would like to come to book club, we talk about what she might do if she feels tired or begins to feel frustrated with another child.  I’m never sorry when we take the time (even just in the car on the way there) to talk about ideas for how to make the night go well.

All quotes from Learning at Home used with author's permission:   www.martylayne.com