Our time at the courthouse

July 16, 2001

Wednesday, June 8th 2011 1:00 p.m. -- my husband and I had our final orders at the courthouse.  We separated on August 3rd, 2010 and filed for divorce on March 4th, 2011.

We waited outside the courtroom until a woman came to tell us we could go in.  She told us that the petitioner (which in this case was me) sits next to the jury.  After she walked away I said to Jeremy, "There's not really a jury, is there?  She's just giving that as a geographic location, right?  I didn't think there was going to be a jury . . . "  :)  And yes, she was giving it as a location --- the jury box, not the jury as a group of people.

When we entered the courtroom, I was surprised at how much it felt like a scene in Perry Mason (I found myself looking for Paul Drake and Della Street.).  Jeremy and I each had our own giant wooden table.  The only other people in the room were a couple of women -- I believe that perhaps one was a paralegal and one was a ... gosh, stenographer doesn't seem right at all ... clearly my mind is still in the Perry Mason era. 

When Judge John W. Madden IV entered, we were told to "All Rise" and after he was seated he asked us to both swear under oath that everything we said in the courtroom that day would be the truth.  Then he reviewed some of the divorce paperwork with us, mostly, it seemed, to be sure we both understood what we'd agreed to -- he focused on the parenting plan and the separation agreement.

Jeremy and I want to work at joint decision-making when it comes to our daughter, and Judge Madden said that he feels that is the best thing for the child whenever the parents can make that happen.  We told him that our parenting time schedule has changed frequently since we separated due to both Fiona's and Jeremy's school schedules.  He said as long as we can continue to be flexible with each other that is a good thing but that he recommends that we put down on paper any schedule that we expect to last for more than a few days and sign it, in order to make things as clear cut as possible.  This is something we should probably do soon, get our summer schedule down on paper (and be thinking about what the fall schedule will look like) as well as check in with Fiona about how she feels with regard to the new schedule (which gives her shorter but more frequent time with each of us).

Toward the end came something I wasn't expecting.  The judge asked us two questions, each in turn, like wedding vows -- "Do you feel that this marriage is irretrievably broken?" and "Do you feel there is any reasonable chance that you will reconcile?"  While I'd already answered these questions (yes and no, respectively) on paper, it was heart-rending to answer them aloud, in the presence of other people.  Just so very sad, that those answers are true and that we never wanted them to be true.  If I'd been even slightly shakier emotionally, I would probably have cried right there in the courtroom.

As the judge began to wrap things up, I asked him if he'd seen the paperwork for Fiona's name change.  He hadn't, so he found them and took a look.  He clarified the spelling (and  lack of a hyphen, and he asked Jeremy if he was okay with the name change (he is).  At which point he said with a grin, "I am 90% certain that this is within my jurisdiction," which I thought was very funny and lightened the mood.  He glanced at one of the women and. when she nodded, he said, "I am being told that that is within my jurisdiction."  :)  I was appreciative of Judge Madden throughout our time with him and felt he made it all go as smoothly as possible.

We left the courthouse with the divorce, Fiona's name change, and my name change all  finalized. 

And so I keep walking forward on this journey.  I still have moments where I'm overcome with grief or anxiety.  I continue to believe that life is short and life is long and when I hold those two ideas in tension it gives me hope that life will come together, that I can make the choice for joy and love and contentment, and that Jeremy and I will find a new way of life where we can be kind to each other and care well for Fiona.