Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope: Take II

More good stuff from this book by Suzy Yehl Marta. 

From the "Children and Death" chapter: 

"While is is one thing to explain your family's beliefs about the hereafter, it is probably also wise to remember that no living adult knows exactly what heaven is like.  If we describe this wonderful, peaceful, magical place, the child may want to go there NOW and be with his or her loved one.  
The easiest and best approach is to ask the children what they think heaven is like.  They may share your beliefs or have some of their own.  They may even believe that there is no heaven.  Our role is not to impose our beliefs on them but to support and honor theirs, remembering that as children mature, their concepts of heaven will most likely change. " (p. 82)

"We can help . . . young children . . . understand death by talking about what it does to the body.

• The lungs don't breathe.
• The heart does not pump blood.  
• The hair stops growing.
• The body will never be hungry again.
• The person who dies will no longer walk, dance, talk, feel, or think." (p.84-85)

Marta recommends setting aside time after a funeral to be alone with the children who were there -- listen, answer questions, let the children talk.   "A few weeks later, do it again.  Remember, children cannot take in and process events of this magnitude in one sitting.  They are bound to be confused; most helpful for them are conversations linked together over time. By demonstrating that you are always available to answer any questions . . . or simply to listen to their thoughts, worries, and fears, you will be a reassuring source of strength to them at one of the most tumultuous periods of their lives." (p.99)

Marta also talks about the unrealistic view of death that children see on television -- and I think being aware of that can give one a good starting point for what children need to know.